One Month Single

One month single..

What has changed?

I feel lonelier..

I feel more confused..

I know how strong I am now..

I know I've got a strong will..

I know my brain and my heart can't coorperate and are constantly fighting against each other, tricking each other, playing games, making me more confused..

I've accepted that I'm single, nothing I can do about that..

I've accepted that he's gone.. If this is the way he wants to do this I'll let him have this way.. It says to much about him, and yeah it hurts, and yeah I miss him (a lot..), but that doesn't change anything..
I loved him, but if he doesn't want to be with me, than what would I be fighting for?

I'm letting him go, I'm letting it go..

I'll never really forget him, just because the whole world knows no girl ever gets over their first boyfriend, but also because his name keeps popping up everywhere because there are so many companies that have his last name.. 

I still want to talk to him.. But I just can't make me to make the move..
I'm constantly starring at his msn name, but I dare not to say a word..

Sometimes I really wish he would talk to me..

Sometimes I wonder if he reads my blog.. Actually I don't know if he ever read it..
Don't know what I'd feel like if he read this..

Don't think it would change anything on my side anyway.. 

Last night I wondered what would happen with me if he got a new girlfriend before I'd get a new boyfriend..
I think I'd be sad for a while.. Because somehow he still feels a little bit "mine"..
I'd be happy for him though! Happy he's okay, and getting on with his life, found new happiness..
I think I'd get over that in a few days..

I'm now trying to make sence to my brain that I don't NEED a boyfriend NOW..
It's okay to be single for a while.. Get some new energy to give, get the "love-bar" at 100 again..
I'm scared that I'll go find a boyfriend just because I don't want to be alone..

I'm scared I'll run into something because I'm running away from something else..

I don't want to have a boyfriend just to not have to be alone, I want to fall in love again.. I want to feel that crush. I want to feel the rush in my vains only when his name pops up in my head. Want to feel that smile on my face when I'm walking away. Want to feel my head spin when he's next to me. I want to fall in love again.

But my brain can trick me into wanting a boyfriend too bad.. 

It's why I almost said no to "Him".. I wasn't sure if it was my heart telling these things or my brains.. 

I guess it'll just take time..
In time it'll all get better..

I feel good, I feel great!

It doesn't feel like the end of the world anymore.
Yeah, it still hurts sometimes, but it can only make me stronger..