Jesse St. James aka Jonathan Groff

Oh My God.. I fell in love with him the moment he danced into my screen..

 

It's Jonathan Groff (Jesse St. James in Glee <3 )

Isn't he just dreamy? You should hear him sing..

This is him singing

You know what the absolutely devistating part about him is =[

He's gay ='[

Why are all the good ones gay?!

Which is all the more a good reason to stop looking at pictures of him..

Cause not only he's a american celebrity, he's also gay.

Which is like 100% un-accessable for me.. 

Hooray! My first second crush is on an american singer who's gay!

Fuck Yeah Bruno Mars, collaboration of these songs: 1....

Oh my god.. I wish I could put this on my Ipod..

Fuck Yeah Bruno Mars, collaboration of these songs: 1....

It's allright

I love the feeling that, after you worried a lot about something, it turns out allright

There was nothing to worry about!

Too bad it would've been something I could've survived if it had gone wrong..

My real worries haven't changed..

I'm so dead if he finds out my doubts..

But it'll be allright. In a few years I'll laugh about this moment.. then it WILL all be just a memory..

God I can't wait for that year to come..

Don't Rain On My Parade

This gives me a tiny teeny bit of courage.. 

Don't tell me not to live,
Just sit and putter,
Life's candy and the sun's
A ball of butter.
Don't bring around a cloud
To rain on my parade!

Don't tell me not to fly--
I've simply got to.
If someone takes a spill,
It's me and not you.
Who told you you're allowed
To rain on my parade!

I'll march my band out,
I'll beat my drum,
And if I'm fanned out,
Your turn at bat, sir.
At least I didn't fake it.
Hat, sir, I guess I didn't make it!

But whether I'm the rose
Of sheer perfection,
Or freckle on the nose
Of life's complexion,
The cinder or the shiny apple of its eye,
I gotta fly once,
I gotta try once,
Only can die once, right, sir?
Ooh, life is juicy,
Juicy, and you see
I gotta have my bite, sir!

Get ready for me, love,
cause I'm a commer,
I simply gotta march,
My heart's a drummer.
Don't bring around a cloud
To rain on my parade!

I'm gonna live and live now,
Get what I want--I know how,
One roll for the whole show bang,
One throw, that bell will go clang,
Eye on the target and wham
One shot, one gun shot, and BAM
Hey, Mister Armstein,
Here I am!

I'll march my band out,
I will beat my drum,
And if I'm fanned out,
Your turn at bat, sir,
At least I didn't fake it.
Hat, sir, I guess I didn't make it.

Get ready for me, love,
'cause I'm a commer,
I simply gotta march,
My heart's a drummer.
Nobody, no, nobody
Is gonna rain on my parade!

Sleep my dearest..

And sleep just won't get to me..

I wish I could sleep and cry all my worries and doubts away..

Just sleep my dearest..

Just sleep..

Geez..

Tomorrow 4 months.. God.. 

Just 2 weeks and traineeship will be over..

It feels weird that it'll be over then..

...

I'm scared.. I'm so damn scared..

I wonder what would have happened if I did run to his platform almost 6 months ago.. that long already..

I still cry when I read my blog about "The night"...

I'm scared.. I don't know what to do..

I don't want this and everything just feels so wrong..  

Crying

I feel so confused I only want to cry..

I'm scared of myself..

I don't want this..

But I don't want "this" either!

I want to cry..

If only that would help..

Oh I wish crying could solve everything..

If it did I'd cry oceans right now!

It just feels so wrong all of it!

Like there are two persons in my head, screaming at each other..

And it's so loud I can't even hear what they're saying..

I'm so confused..

I want to cry.. if it'd solve it..

And there just doesn't seem to be a solution that's worth it..

Cause I can go neither way!

I'm stuck in my own trap..

I've gone to far, and yet I'm right where I want to be..

It's so wrong..

My feelings always Tell me what to do.. my feelings have never lied to me, never been wrong about anything, I rely on my feelings..

And right now I'm having so many feelings that I'm totally numb. I don't feel a thing.

I don't know what to do.

And that's when my head steps in. My head is my net, that what I fall back on when I don't know anymore..

But because there are so many voices, so many feelings, I can't hear my head anymore..

I'm lost in this unending, facinating, drunken, drugging, beautiful light..

And I can't get out..

Maybe if I cry enough I'll just float out..

And then I thought I was done with it..

How naive of me..

I should have known better, nothing ever "gets done" the easy way with me..

Wrong..

I'm having a major fall back..

I'm doing it wrong..

This somehow feels so wrong.
Like this is not the way that it's supposed to be.
This was not supposed to happen.
It just feels wrong.

I'm having a fall back..
Is that normal with these kind of things?

They say that when you try to quit smoking, drinking or drugs or whatever,
That you always have a fall back, and when you overcome that you've beaten it.

Is this even a fall back?
Will I be able to beat it?
Do I WANT to beat it?

Oh geez.. It feels so wrong..
I don't want to have a fall back..

I thought I was getting better..
I WAS getting better..

But this is just all getting way too close for comfort..

It's starting to feel just like before,

too much like before..
Too many old feelings are coming up..

And still it feels wrong..
Like I don't want to fight it.
I don't want to fight it.

And that's scary..

I've started eating, no snacking, again.
And that's a sign, and it's not a good one.

This is such a drama..
And if I won't have control over this in two weeks it's going to be a mess.
It's going to be a mess..
I won't be able to do it.
I can't pull it off..

I don't want to fight it.

It feels wrong.

I don't want to do this anymore over and over again.

I don't know how long I can stand this torment.

I don't know how long I can lie.

I don't want to not want to fight it.

I want to move on, to all of this just be a memory.

I'm so tired of this..

But my heart is to stubborn to cooperate.

It just keeps banging in my chest, numbing my smarter head, my head knows what to do, my head knows exactly what to do.

But my heart's got me in it's grip. I can't do anything but to listen to it, let it torment it..

And god.. This torment is making me feel so good..

Yuck

I feel sick.
I might just throw-up

My stomache hurts like somethings eating me from inside.
And I hope I'll make it till tonight cause I've got to be on the support team =[

Ugh.. Life sucks right now.. 

Milestones

I'm in drenthe right now. One blessed week off! Quite bored though.. but still.. week off! Yay!!

The scenery here is beautiful.. and it makes me proud to be dutch. Sure there are a lot of beautiful other countries! And in the past I always said I wanted to move abroad. But I wouldn't trade my little country for any other sunny land or something..

Today I went shopping and almost every boy I looked at (I swear to god, I'm not exagerating!) Stared at me! And it felt so good!

I thought I should give them a really hot glare back, but I was to much of a pussy to do that..

I took my guitar with me! And in 3 days I've learned 2 new songs! Yay!!

Gosh I've missed my guitar.. when this whole "him" business started I just totally lost the feel to play..

I love it here!

Cliché songs

Hahaha xD I love it that all those old stupid cliche songs are on the radio =P

In the navy, Sex on the beach, Watskebeurt, American Pie

Love it!!

This isn't a cliché song though..
It's originally from le Misarble, but I like this version better =P

Lame

You know a radio-station sucks when they say a song is a new single for two weeks long already, though the song is already a year and a half old..

I can't..

FUCKING HELL CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE KILL ME I'M SO DONE WITH NOT UNDERSTANDING WHAT I FEEL AND WHAT TO DO WITH THESE FEELINGS!

I wish I could crawl up in my bed and cry ='[
And I don't even know why I would cry..

I feel so lost..
I need a new meaning..
When is that hand that's going to help me up ever going to come?
I need a light..
Please find me a light..
I can't be lost forever..

I wish there was a magic word, a potion, a spell..
A cookie, a drink, something
Something that can make me understand all this..

I know understand why your first break-up is the worst..
You're just not used to all these feelings and things going on..
You just don't know what to do..

Still I wonder if I'd be better at it a second time..
Probably not..

War-zone

At least these feelings let me know I'm still alive

Damn.. Just survived another bomb..
I'm starting to feel like a robot more and more..

I don't want to be reasonable

I don't want to think about everything

I don't want to analyse everything you say

I don't want to listen to the message behind your words

I don't want to feel like I'm in a war-zone

I just want to smile

I just want to laugh

I want to run around in a feeld, laughing and screaming

I want to dance, and not care that I look like an idiot

I just want to say things without having to watch what the might mean to you

I just want to listen to what you say, but not really hear it

I just want to be me, without having to do anything

I just don't want to be a puppet for your words anymore..

Because yes, this feels like a war-zone..
And every word you say is a bomb in my field.
And my land is about to crumble down.
But still I won't give in.
I will plant a forest, so won't see you comming

I will let loose birds, hundreds of them, so I won't hear you comming
I will find horses, so I can flee..

I will find bears, and make clothes, to keep me warm from your cold boms

I will find a cave, far deep in a big mountain, where I'll hide, for you.
And noone will find me, especially not you.
And I will be lonely.
But when the stroms gone down.
And my land has crumbled.
Trees have been burnded, my animels been slaughtered.
Just because you can.
Then I will come out and I will fight, for my right and my field.
For I will not die without a fight, I will not let you get away killing my soul, my field, my rights.
And I will win.
But untill then, I will hide..

Is it okay to cry about something that you shouldn't give a shit about?
This just feels like such a defenite ending..

Floopsie..

In the past few months I might have spend near to €400,- at clothes.
I just had this unending need to buy clothes, buy new things.
I know it's because of the change in my life.
I've changed quite a lot, I know that. 

I've created a new style, that's still me, but still new.

I think I'm done redoing my wardrobe.
I feel good now.
My bankacount can have some rest now ;)

For a little while..

I would still need an outfit for Sinterklaas and Christmas and New Year and...

Teehee!

...

I think he'd be shocked if he ever reads my blog..

Woah! This is my 200th blog!!

Rollercoasters

Up, down, Up Down..

Geez it's like we're on a freaking rollercoaster..

I'm just sick of him constantly critisizing me, or saying he's done it better then me, or worse.
Why can't he just sometimes say that something sucks for me?
Or that I did something good?
I'm not searching for his aproval or compassion.
It would just be very nice to get back what you give.

Everything I say to him is nonsense.. 

If he'd only knew how much he hurts me sometimes.. 

With the littlest things..

Not that he'd understand it if he knew..

Dammit.. And there's absolutly no selution to this.

Which makes it even more frustrating!!

Smile, though your heart is aching

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky
you'll get by.

If you smile through your pain and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun shining through
For you.

Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying.
You'll find that life is still worthwhile-
If you just smile.

Smile - Charlie Chaplin

I'm into Paramore these days, and I wish I could post all the songs that get to me from them..
But that would be a damn lot..
So I'm posting this one ;)

Day of the trainee

I got this at traineeship! It's the day of the trainee! They decorated my desk and room and all kept saying sweet things!

I'm really going to miss them when it's all over.. 

My Hearts medley

I can't keep loving you

But I've got to keep my feet on the ground when my head's in the clouds

And I can't stop this feeling

But it's over now, so go on and take a bow.

Cause what we had is history.

It's my life, and it's now or never.

Cause it's just a little crush.

And I'm moving on.

(Half of my heart - John Mayer, Brick by boring Brick - Paramore - Can't stop this feeling - Glee, Take a Bow - Rihanna, History - Vassy, It's my life - Bon Jovi, Crush - Glee, Moving on - Rascall Flatts)

Order from Russia

He's saying that by Christmas he might already start his 2nd traineeship.
Which means he'll be gone from my life again.
Somehow I feel really repugnant about that..
I've started to become used to talking to him again.
And I feel like the only reason he's talking to me now, is so it won't be awkward when we get back to school.
Which means, that when he starts his 2nd traineeship he won't have a reason to talk to me.

I'm don't like that very much.. I still "like him as a friend" or however I'm supposed to say that without people getting suspicious.

I'll miss him again. Somehow this feels like losing him all-over again, in a different way.

Damn.. Why's this so complicated..

And I can't talk to my friends about this, because they say I talk to much about him.
But I need to talk about him, I need to talk about this! Or I won't get it out of my system!
I got over him so fast, I'm happy for that, but this also means the aftermath will be long, and I knew that to..
But I need to talk about this. I need someone to tell me it's going to be okay. I need someone to tell me that they understand that this feel weird.
I need someone to tell me that it's not weird to "miss" your ex-boyfriend even though you're not in love with him anymore.
I need someone to tell me that it's okay to cry. It's okay to feel lost. As long as you find the way back.
I need someone to get angry with me, for even thinking of feeling alone though I have rows of friends waiting to catch my fall.
I just need somebody who can be there for me full time.
Doesn't need to talk about me all the time. Not at all.
I just need someone to chatter to about nonsense. I want somebody who'll tell about their life.
I just need attention, full time.
Full time attention.
"We" were almost full time attention. I just need that damned attention.
Damn him..

I wish I could hit a button to speed forward and just skip this part, get it over with..
Skip the part when he'll be gone again, skip the part that I'll feel lonely as hell again, skip the part that I feel miserable that I won't have someone to argue with anymore, skip it to the part that I'll be happy again.

I know what would solve this!
NEW BOYFRIEND!
Dammit.. Can't I order one from Russia or something?