Wrong..

I'm having a major fall back..

I'm doing it wrong..

This somehow feels so wrong.
Like this is not the way that it's supposed to be.
This was not supposed to happen.
It just feels wrong.

I'm having a fall back..
Is that normal with these kind of things?

They say that when you try to quit smoking, drinking or drugs or whatever,
That you always have a fall back, and when you overcome that you've beaten it.

Is this even a fall back?
Will I be able to beat it?
Do I WANT to beat it?

Oh geez.. It feels so wrong..
I don't want to have a fall back..

I thought I was getting better..
I WAS getting better..

But this is just all getting way too close for comfort..

It's starting to feel just like before,

too much like before..
Too many old feelings are coming up..

And still it feels wrong..
Like I don't want to fight it.
I don't want to fight it.

And that's scary..

I've started eating, no snacking, again.
And that's a sign, and it's not a good one.

This is such a drama..
And if I won't have control over this in two weeks it's going to be a mess.
It's going to be a mess..
I won't be able to do it.
I can't pull it off..

I don't want to fight it.

It feels wrong.

I don't want to do this anymore over and over again.

I don't know how long I can stand this torment.

I don't know how long I can lie.

I don't want to not want to fight it.

I want to move on, to all of this just be a memory.

I'm so tired of this..

But my heart is to stubborn to cooperate.

It just keeps banging in my chest, numbing my smarter head, my head knows what to do, my head knows exactly what to do.

But my heart's got me in it's grip. I can't do anything but to listen to it, let it torment it..

And god.. This torment is making me feel so good..