Wowzers!

Wow!
Today I found someone who "spoken" has the same name as me, but written it's like WOW!

My name is "Kristel"
But hers is "Krystle"
You say it the same way..
But shit it looks way more fancy!

Everyday

Everyday I go to school optimistic

That I will try to talk to him today

That I will get my chance today..

Everyday I go home depressed..
That I failed once again..



Maybe I'm only scaring him away..
HE had a chance today, and he didn't grab it..
Or maybe he just really doesn't want to talk to me..
I'm getting so sick of this..
I'm starting to get a "Whatever.."-attitude..



I think I'm having a FluCo..
A mixture of a Flu with a Cold..
And I can tell you..
It sucks ass..

So Sick..

I'm as sick as a dog..

I hate being sick..
My brain feels like a ball of snot..

Chances

I had a chance..

And I didn't grab it..

I'm just as stupid as him...

I was alone..
Because I had to talk to one of my teachers.
When I came in to the classroom every seat next to somebody was taken.
Except for this three-seater, next to him..
So it was OR sitting next to him and be the third wheel on the wagon..
OR it was sitting alone in front of my friends..

I chose to sit alone..

Idiot I am..

New Bed!

This or next week I will get my new bed =D
HOORAY!

And it's a beauty!
In black, and iron, and romantic..

And totally fitting in my room!
I WANT IT NOW!
Damn it..
I wish I was the ruler of the world..
Then I'd have my bed now..

Where is he..

Where's that somebody when you need it the most..?

I'm so cold.. I'm just so cold..
And alone..
Even in a room full of people, LOUD people, I still feel alone..
And so cold..
Even inside it's cold..
Inside my mind it's cold..
My body is cold..

I feel so alone..

It's unfair that I have to face all these hard moments alone..

I'm shivering..

Why does this all feel like an end, and not like a beginning?

Why am I alone?

My heart is crying.. For weeks it's been crying..
It's becomming worse again..
I just feel so sad all the time..

When is it time for me to really be happy again?
And not just for a few minutes..
Without having to feel guilty afterwards..
Without it being just temporarily..
When can I be lucky again..?

When is it my turn to be lucky..

Maybe..

Maybe I do want him to read all of this..
Maybe its better if he just found out..

Maybe it would give him enough courage to step up to me..
Maybe it would make him so angry with me he just HAS to say something to me..
Maybe it'll make him slither even further back into his hole..

Me is..?

I'm tired of wearing this mask..

But at the same time I don't know what I'm hiding..

Nor do I know what I'm hiding it with..

What's the part of me that I'm hiding?
And which part of me is what I'm hiding it with..

What is me?
Who am I..?
Where am I..?
Am I still there?

Why do my smiles an laughes feel so fake..?

Why do I feel so damn guilty when I have fun..?

Why won't the tears just roll down my cheek..
I know they're in my eyes..

I hope you know..

I need to cry..
But even my body now knows I've wasted to many tears on you,

to many things..
The tears won't come..

I hope you heard me when I told the girls you could drop dead and you suddenly stood behind me.. 

I hope you know..

I hope you know you're hurting me..
I hope you know what you're doing.. 

I hate you for doing this to me.. 

I hope you know..

Darn tears..

And you.. you just erased me from everywhere..
It's like you don't even know me..
It's like I'm a stranger to you..
Do you have any idea how much you're hurting me?

I've been thinking horrible things about you..
And I feel guilty for it..

I hope you know..

Please, please stop this hurting..
You're the only one who can..

Realise.. Know..

Oh dear..

Oh dear..
I jus recieved the new Season-brochure from the H&M..

Goodbye hard earned money..

I can't find my wizardhat ='[

HARRY POTTER!

I'm going to Harry Potter today! YAYAYAYAYAYAH!

I'm so excited! I can't wait!
If it were up to me I would have went last night..
But hey.. I take good care of my friends.. (I do.. Right?)

And now I'm going tonight =D
I CAN'T FREAKING WAIT!

When I get home I'm going to look for my wizardhat and I'm going to wear it..
HELL YEAH!

Past few days I've held a HP Marathon just to get up to date again, and it totally got me in the mood for it!!

I wish time went faster..

And I wish my gran would pick up the darn phone ¬¬

Nobody congratulated us with your anniversary =[

SCORE!

Today I got;

  5 head-turners

3 smiles

1 really sweet joke

10 cents discount at the market

SCORE!

I felt truly happy today since a long long time.. 

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday my dear dear Journal!
Thank you for always being there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on..
I hope we will spend many more years together..!

But for now..

Congratulations on your one year anniversary!

I love you!

Darkness

I hate feeling sad, scared and lonely..

Comfortfood..!!!

Goddammit..

And because of all the stress and emotions I've started eating loads of comfortfood again..

So by the time something probably has happened I'll look like a 100000 pounder..

Just stop it

Open your eyes

See what's in front of you, SEE

Stop pretending

I miss you..

See what's going on,

Don't fake everything..
Look at me, just look

Don't you miss me to?

Say it..

Just say it..

I don't mean I want you back..

But let's just stop pretending..
Stop faking..
Don't act like nothing ever happened..

I know you laughed at that joke..
I know you did.. 

Am I just air?

Do I really have to blow you away before you'll notice me?

I'm hurt..
You hurt me, again

I'm tired of this,

Aren't you?
Don't you want to play a different game?
Don't you want this all to end..?

Don't you miss me in anyway?
Don't you ever think about me?
Don't you ever think "What if.."? 

Don't you.. 

And yet, again, I just can't seem to let you, this, go..

Why..?

Why do I have to be the strong one?

Why do I have to step up to him?

Why doesn't he start a conversation with me?

Why can't this be just as hard for me?

Why do I have to be the strong one all the time?

He broke up with me right?

Shouldn't he feel guilty for ignoring me?

Shouldn't he feel bad we're not talking?

Shouldn't he make the first move?

Wuss..

I'm tired of being his handpuppet..

But if I won't do anything probably nothing will ever happen..

I have to make a move and I have to make it fast or I'll go crazy..

I miss talking to him..

Whoops!

Made another one..

Only two left!

I really need to go to the market tuesday!

Yay :D

My Cards

I've made these today and yesterday..

They're quite thick.. Well that's why they're 3D or else they wouldn't be as nice xD

I'm very proud of them. 
I haven't "made" anything in a while, and I like them a lot! 

It felt good to make them!
I've still got 3 left to make.. And they'll be made soon =P

I might need to go to the market again this Tuesday xD 

xXx

Wrap It Up

I wrapped it up and send it,

with a note saying "I love you, I meant it".
Now I know,
What a fool I've been.
But if you'd kiss me now,

I know you'd fool me again.

I just had a very "Creative Spasm"
I bought 3d card sheets today at the market.
And suddenly I had this BIG urge to make one..
So in less then an hour I made a beautifull 3D Christmas Card..
Yeah..

These "big ball of stuff rolling of a very steep hill"-feelings make you do weird things.. ;)

Shoot..

Again I didn't talk to him. And I had 2 shots at it, and I didn't take 'em.. 

I feel bad.. 

I haven't talked to him now since.. Saturday evening? 

And I have this weird missing feeling.. 

When I look at him it feels weird. And I don't know what kind of weird, and why weird? 

When I look at him I feel like "a big ball of stuff rolling of a very steep hill"

I can't get a better description.. 

I'm so confused.. It's not unpleasant to have him in the class,

It's just so unpleasant that it's so awkward between us and we can't say a word.

You know what I did find a bit pussy-ass from him?

Apparently a boy asked him if we were still dating, and he said no.

So the boy asked him why not, so he said he should ask me.

Ask me?! What the..?! 

From all people I understand it the least and he sends them to me to explain our break-up? 

HE broke up with me and he sends them to me to explain why?!

Now, if thats just me, but that's wrong. He shouldn't do that.. 

Lam-o..

I'm alive!

I'm alive!

I survived seeing him! Well.. I sort of avoided really looking at him..
annnddd I also didn't speak a word to him.. 

But still..
We sort of ignored each other, but still aknowledged that we we're sitting next to each other.
YES! We were sitting next to each other.. There was an empty seat next to where I sat, annnd he took it.. 

I sort of feel bad for not saying anything. Cause we did text a bit before class, and when he came in I didn't say a thing, not even "Hi" or something..
I gave him one dorky stupid failing little smile.. But that's no talking..

Tomorrow I will talk to him.
One step at a time.

Besides, it's not like he tried to talk with me..
I'm not the only bad guy here..
And when I got the guts to want to say something to him classes were over and he basicly ran out of the room..

It's going to be okay now.
I'm still a bit confused about my feelings though.

I thought it was really sweet! Some of the boys asked me if I was still dating him, and I said no. So they asked why "I" broke up with and I said that he did. And immidiatly they started saying that he was an idiot and if I wanted to they'd kick his ass xD 

Thought that was really sweet =]

Survived classes! Next step, Homework.. God.. haven't had that in a looong looooong time..

I'm dying here..

I'd like to get hit by a bus like.. a.s.a.p.

Is it very ironic that I'll see him again on the day that it'll be 5 months..?

I think I'd be a pretty nun.. 

I'm okay

I'm okay.. I'm good..

I'm cool with this..

Maybe I'm not completly ready. Maybe I'm note "done" with all of this yet.

But I've accepted this. Though I won't admit "it". (Yeah I'm talking in riddles.. but that's because of the "it" thing..)

I'm moving on, until the bitter end.
I'm going to be cool with this, I've accepted this..

I can fight whatever I want, I'll never win it.
Nor will I lose it.
There's just no side in this, it's a circle, and all the exits in this circle are w-r-o-n-g

So it's time I made my own exit. But, ofcourse, that's going to take a lot of time.

But I'm ready for building my own exit.

I want to get out.

It's done, we're done.
"It's" not happening.
And that's a good thing.
It's just not happening.
We're done. Time to move on.

I'm going to nail this, I am.
I'll blow everyones minds next week. 

Actually, no I don't think I will blow everyone's minds, but I will blow mine.
And that's all I need!

P.S. My traineeship just passed the test! I officially nailed my traineeship!