1 to 16

1st. I want a new boyfriend

2nd. The writer of my book needs a new editor

3rd. I need a hug

4th. I need a neck massage

5th. I want to sleep.. A lot..
6th. I want to go out and dance and drink and have a ridiculously good time and not care about my behaviour

7th. I want Bolletje Kruidnoten

8th. I need to cry

9th. I need a new boyfriend

10th. I want my shoes

11th. I want a new short

12th. I want to lose the fat around my belly (No, I don't think I'm fat.. It would just be nice if I didn't feel so consious about my self when I sat down..)

13th. I want better mandarines than these..
14th. I need distraction

15th. I really need that hug

16th. I really need that damned boyfriend

Fishing, Testing or Hurting

I think he's fishing for something from me..
Or testing me..

Why else would he keep talking about when he goes out?
Or that he doesn't remember kissing anybody this weekend?
Or that sometimes he's so deep in thoughts he wakes up from them finding himself kissing somebody?

Why the hell would he think I'd find that interesting?
Why the hell would he think I'd want to even KNOW that.. 
What the hell is his point?
Does he try to hurt me?

I'm not hurt, I just feel tested, and quite a bit awkward.. 

*sigh* And still I'm not surprised by his behaviour..

I was surprised by the apologies though xD

Dammit!

Dammit! Yesterday I was SO pissed with him!

And now he apologizes and explains and I'm all rosewater and moonshine again..
CRAP HOW DOES HE DO IT?!

I'm quite done with it.. 

I'm way to forgiving on everybody..
Maybe I just want friends so bad I just forgive them cause I'm scared to lose them if I don't..

I do manage to have some pretty damned good friends because of it though xD

Schoenenhemel!!

Ik denk dat ik de schoenenhemel op internet gevonden heb!!

www.alysamode.nl

Weird stuff

Hmm.. My healthinsurance should have been paid two days ago but they still didn't take the money of my account..
Very very weird..
I'm a bit scared that they'll take it AFTER I have to pay my phone-bill.. And then it might be a problem cause I don't know how fast I have to transfer it.. 

IEK! I hate it when things don't go as I planned o_O

Maybe I'm a bit authistic.. No, actually everybody is a bit authistic xD 

I'm reading this book written by a Canadian, and a part of it sets in Amsterdam.
WHOAH! There are SO many things she has wrong!
- There is no such things as bells in our busses our trains, never had those either

- There is no way in HELL, then at night when you go by train from Schiphol Airport to Amsterdam it can be completely dark, there are ALWAYS lights there, it just can't be..

- A nick name for "De Wallen" is not "De Walletjes", I don't know to which dutchie she spoke to, but it's an idiot. If you'd ask for "De Walletjes" in Amsterdam people would stare at you and think you've been on the pod or something.
- Amsterdam is NOT a small city! Maybe compared to London and New York, but that still doesn't mean Amsterdam is a small city!

- Amsterdam is not a car free city, well maybe a big part, but taxi's are allowed..

- Dutchies might bike a lot... But we don't go shopping with our bikes, which Idiot thought of that?
Shopping with a bike?!
They've noticed we bike a lot, but didn't notice that they get stollen even when you're still holding it?!

I can get so worked up when foreigners write about Holland and get it so completly wrong..
That's why I mostly don't even want to read books from foreigners that set in Holland. 

They just practicly raped my country.. 

Yesterday I went to a evening for people who have friends with eatingdisorders.. It was really weird..
Very awkward too.. 

I'm really scared now, I don't want her to become like the girls I've heard talk about.
I don't want her to end op in a wheelchair, I don't want her to stay in a hospital for 2 months because her organs are failing, I don't want to never see her again because she has to be taken in in the clinic.
I can see she's improving. It's hard to really put my finger on it. But she just seems better.
At that talk evening they said it's better not to tell her that she looks good.
And I know she reads this.
But I just honestly want her to know that she looks good. She looks healthy.
Her skin just looks happy, last wensday she we were with some friends.
And I was kind of shocked with how much better she looked since a few months ago.
And this really made me happy. I'm really proud of her. And I love her very dearly.
And I don't give a shit, if she's tall, tiny, fat, skinny, blue, pink or brown. 

As long as she'll be her I'll love her and she'll always be my friend. 

I love you girl!

Crap! I'm getting addicted to the android Alchemy-game and I smell like the wool from my scarf!!
Not that it stinks bad.. But it gets me very distracted.. Teehee xD

Bla-Bla-Bla

UGH! Drama!
I found this unbelievably cute skirt!
But it's sold out on the internet..

LUCKILY! There is a shop only 10 minutes biking away from me.
Bad part is that I really don't have time to go shop..

I need a shopping-sunday..

I am..

I am Happy

Nothing happened. No, I'm not in love.
No, I didn't just win the lottery.
No, I didn't just got promoted to some nutjob.

I am just happy.

Ain't that enough?

For me it is..!

Hey baby

Hey baby..

It's me talking. I miss you so much.

If you'd only feel what I do.

I'm glad you understand..

I'm happy I can call you mine.

Where would I be without you?

You know my heart, mind and soul..

I love you like nothing and noone else

You'll always be my baby.

You'll always be my little dreamers journal..

(Amen?)

I can feel my physical health getting less and less by the day. My body is failing on me, and I don't like the feel of it.. at all..

If I could only get back to a healthy rhythm. But I can't cause I'm so tired all the freaking time! And I don't know how to fix that.. so I'm stuck.. great..

Yesterday I went skiing. God just love skiing! I don't like sports.. there is no sport you can wake me up for.. except skiing!! I love it love it love it!! This obviously doesn't mean I'm good at it.. but at least I like it! A LOT!

Bad thing was though, some parts of the piste were very icy.. so I lost control of my skies, according to my dad I made a full turn up in the air and made a smack on the ice with my head, arms and legs laying in a position I'd never get in now.. I couldn't move for a few minutes cause of the pain in my head! I had a light concosion. It felt like my brain was making turns in my head for the rest of the day! I just went back up after that though and didn't fall anymore xD

Tuesday my mum is leaving for Istanbul for 5 days. I think she's very anxious about leaving us alone. But I know it'll be alright and she'll have fun!

Weekend's over again.. yuck..

I feel boring.. I want to extinguish myself..

What do I do that's so incredibly me?

Being lazy?

I love my little journal..

Thank you for always listening to me

Thank you for your unending understanding

Every time I think of my blog, see my blog, or hear or see anything that has to do something with my blog, I get all warm inside.

Thank you

I love you

You're my baby

Party In The Bedroom

WOEI!
This evening I will see my girlies again!!

Hoorayy!!

And it will not be accidantly

Woei.. Haven't really been on here for a while..
Well I have, but not really with a good blog anyway =P

Traineeship is starting get better and better by the way! =D
I think they're serious about giving me a job..

And I'm talking to "him" almost on a daily basis now..
Sometimes it's a bit awkward.. Well on my side anyway =P
Cause I don't want to please him, but I don't want to be to much against him either..
And I don't want to show to much that I care for his well-beeing, but I don't want to be too caring that he'll be suspicious or something..

It's just really weird..
I like talking to him though =P
He's still able to make me laugh..
Though most of the time I still think he's a prick and needs to get of that fucking horse of his..
Once he said he was a very social person..
Oh wel sure he is!
He talks to EVERYBODY! And he's good at talking to people..
I just think his problem is that he should try NOT talking about himself and being interested in what the other person says..
Cause he still doesn't do that..
Doesn't surprise me though ;)

Why is it.. That suddenly now everybody has found the abbility to fall in love with me?
And why the hell is it..!!

That all of them are boys I'm not interested in!

Not that I'm "interested" in anybody right now..
But at least, if people were interested in me, would have been nice if I'd found them "interesting" in that way to.. 

I'm at the brink of losing it. I can feel it. I'm going to have a physical break-down soon.
I can feel it everywhere. This morning I had to sit down because everything was spinning and I felt sick as hell..
Though I didn't even do anything yet.. 

I feel like I want to scream..
I feel like I'm in one of those things they put crazy people in.. 

Maybe I am crazy.. 

I feel tied up
I feel stuck

Stuck in this life

And I don't know how to change it, without changing me.
I don't want to change me again.
I like this me.
I want to keep this me.
I'm happy with this me. In every aspect.
Even my looks!

I'm done with having no choices..
Well, I have a lot of choices, really!
But just none of those choices are options. Not even to consider.. 

And that sucks.. 

Sometimes I wonder how I'll make it to an old age.
I just don't see me getting old.

My life has no future.
Maybe that means I should take it by the day and I'm way to down to earth to think about what might be in 50 years?
Or maybe it just means what it is.
No future.

You know what would be nice?
Someone to step up to me, put a hand on my shoulder and give me a brilliant smile.
And then that someone would say; "Hey! I like you as a person. In every aspect!"
And mean it, without a gooy sentimental way. Just spontanious.
I'd like to get more compliments..
To bad you can't order them from your friends and family..

Maybe I should wear a sign around my neck that says "Give me compliments or I'll fall of a very high building! NOT ACCIDANTLY!"

Smile-Therapy Think Tank: Why Worry??

Smile-Therapy Think Tank: Why Worry??: "Here is a sign I saw in some store that made some sense. Comical, yet made me think. Why Worry There are only two things to worry about: E..."

How I Want To Be..

How my arms just long to hold somebody..
How I want to feel warmth against me again..
How I want to be hugged tight against somebody..
I just want a little love..

[Well.. maybe not just a little (A)]

Oh god..

Oh my god.. How idiotic is this.. They don't have a seperate Display name changer yet in the Beta version..
God I hate beta's..
I should've just waited for the real thing..

ARGHH! And I like it so much to have a changable display name!

Drama!

Oh my god.. The new Windows Live is a drama..

I've finally managed to get it back to how it looked before.. But I can't change my profile name o_O
Don't know where to either?!
Oh my god..

This is just as horrible as the new Itunes..

Luckily Itunes is starting to grow on me now.. Though I still think it looks worse then it did before..

Maybe this will grow on me too.. Perhaps there's a troubleshooter on the internet =S

Stupid Windows Live even installed Bing toolbar in my firefox!
Thank god I got rid of that after a lot of trouble.. 

London Pictures

Geez.. Sorting out the pictures is turning out to be more work then I'd thought..

The dates aren't right, so it's hard to get them in the right order..

Here's one to make it right though =D

Yep.. Believe it or not.. That Weirdo is me..
This picture says a lot about me though.
If you'll take the time to really look, and not just scowl at my stupidity

Oh God that would be horrible =']

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the darn cake"

- Bob Hope -

I'm Going to Fall.. Where's My Pillow?

Oh boogie o_O

"He" is going to fisnish his year in the same class as me..

I thought he'd go to a different school o_O

Well this changes some things..

It's not that I'm scared I might fall in love with him again when I see him,

Because I won't.

It's not that I'm scared he might still feel something for me,

Because I'm not.

It's not like I'll want to avoid him now that he'll be in the same class as me again

Because I don't.

It's not like I'm really AGAINST him getting in the same class as me..

It's just that I don't know what pose to give when he'll be sort of around me again..

I won't know how to behave..

Do I have to be really nice?

Do I have to ignore him?

Do I have to be mean to him?

Do I just act like nothing ever hapenned?

Do I just.. I don't know..

What's the best thing to do?

Maybe I should really just go with the flow..

See what he does..

But what if he doesn't know either?

Geez! Well at least I still got 2 months to get used to the idea and stuff..

OEH! And I've got a new pillow =D YAY!

Wetter then wet

Ooh, it's raining SO hard!
I'm even wetter than I would have been if I just jumped into the river!

Finally we're going out for a new pillow this eveing..
I already needed a new one in June..

Only 8 weeks to go and then Traineeship will be done..
Seems like a very short time!

Some people can just really make you laugh about practicly nothing xD
Or just the way they talk.. =']

Oh Thank God!

Oh thank god!
I have a pimpel on the tip of my nose, been there whole week..
And it's finally coming through!
And it's starting to hurt like hell!
Oh thank god it's finally near to gone!

Socks..

Please explain to me why I keep losing socks -_-"
And when I do, why I only lose one?
Cause one sock is kinda useless..

I bet, that if they would make a servey of what people lose the most, it would be socks..

Or keys, but mostly you find those again..
Socks are gone FOREVAH

Fashionably

Oeh my mom just gave me really cool old pants =D
Their woolen, very short, and they are have a very high waistline.
I like them =D

All I need now, is a thick black panty, and a red little belt, and it'll be perfect with my white blouse and red pumps =D

Oh, and by the way, I'm gonna upload some pictures from London soon ;)

Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

I'm listening to Veronica's Top 1000 of all times..
There are way to much nice songs coming by..
I wish I could post them all on here xD

OMG OMG OMG OMG!

I FEEL SO FUCKING COOL AND SMUG AND WHATEVER!

I just solved a MAJOR problem on the website!!

With help ofcourse.. But still =D
I FEEL AWESOME!

Whieeh..

I really need new Jeans!
These are starting to fall apart.
And if they do I'll be down to only one jeans..

Which means that I'll have to walk around in my underwear 2 weeks a month..
Obviously I'm not going to do that..

So this means.. SHOPPING!

But I can't go shopping, cause I have to much money to spend, and I'll go crazy and buy stuff I don't need and my closets are already TOO full!

Need-to-keep-money-on-my-bankaccount-or..
Or what?

Might not want to answer that..

Started my.. damnit I lost count.. Started my 15th book or something.. And 2 new ones on the way..
I'm starting to get sick of reading so fast!
I'm not sick of reading yet..
Just sick of reading so fast xD
This must be my record for the amount of books I've read in a year..

Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime

My son..

Last sunday we went on a family trip for my grandmothers birthday. 

Was really nice! Had loads of fun with my family ='] The idiots.. 

Anyway..

We were at the restaurant, and I was in the "play-zone" with my nephew of almost 2 years old, just playing a bit with him mostly just watching (I'm getting really old for playing on the floor ='])
So suddenly a man comes up to me and asks; "Is he yours?"
I was stupid enough to say yes, cause he was MY nephew and under MY watch right now.. So in some ways he was mine.. "Because he's playing with my sons toycar."
So I give him the toycar back (Big protest on my nephew's side) then he askes "Can you handle him?"
So I say "Yeah! Ofcourse! It'll be okay!"
So immidiatly I distract my nephew with some other toys succesfully (My nephew is the sweetest and easiest child I've ever seen!)
And the man looks surprised, says "Impressive!" and then walks away.
Suddenly I start worrying about, Holy crap, he asked if the child was mine and I said yes..
I don't really look old enough to have a kid who's almost 2 years old do I?
I know I don't exactly look 18.. but.. A child?

I wouldn't mind having Robbert, my nephew, though xD

I really have some kind of problem.. I just spilled a lot of water on my shirt while drinking out of the bottle..

What - is - wrong - with - me - ?!

Hihi =']

Dammit Blogger?

Geez.. I'm just gowing through blogs on blogger and all blogger seems to want to show me is food-blogs, religious-blogs or blogs of families with loads of children..
Is this some kind of sign?

What the *** is happening?

Geez, what's happening today?
On my way to work almost every boy I came by smiled at me, winked at me, whistled at me or said something flirty to me..
What's going on? o_O Did I forget to get dressed or something?
No, I most defenitly have clothes on..

OH GOD! All men in the world suddenly got the abbilitie to see through clothes! o_O
My life is doomned..

My Blog

My blog is starting to become something like a comfortblanket..

And I like it =]

If I could hug it, It would have the most hugs I've ever given anyone..
(Inculding "Him")

Sad talk

And ofcourse I had to be manage to throw over my coffee the first 30 minutes at work..
Well done!

3 months single now..
Used to it? Yes.
Okay with it? Yes.
Liking it?  Difficult.. On one hand I kind of like having all my thoughts to myself, not having to spend energy in somebody else (God that sounds selfish!)
Though on the other hand, if you're in love you'd want to put ALL you energy in somebody else.. And I really do quite feel alone..

But I know I shouldn't go looking for it, cause when you force yourself to fall in love it ends bad, it has to find you.
Besides.. I'm way to scared I'll ditch my single title for the wrong reason. That I'll take a boyfriend to just not be alone anymore, AND THAT WOULDN'T BE A GOOD THING!
I want to ditch it because I'm in love.. Yeah, I'm really old fashioned when it comes to this love thing..

Just like with sex, I want to keep it special, only do it with someone I love..
I DON'T WANT TO GET A FREAKIN TOYBOY!

Who the hell do you think I am?

Just have to wait and see, I guess..
Wait and see..

"He"'s talking to me recently. I don't mind. I'm mostly bored to hell anyway, so this gives me someone to talk with, about nothing.
We don't really talk about "Important" stuff.. Well really, what used to be important stuff aint important stuff anymore, but we're not talking about "Delicate matters", now that's better xD
I don't know why he's talking to me, it's making me rather confused.
I don't mind him talking to me! It's not that!
I just don't know what's the reason for him to suddenly start talking to me..
Because.. Well.. It could be because of a darn lot of things!
I think he's just looking for company (Just like I do in my boring days)..
Or just wants to have friendship.
I'm okay with those things.
I just really hope it won't get out of hand..
And, I don't know how I should say this, because if I do, people are going to think I'm going to fall in love with him again, (What I won't! And Don't want to!)
But I'm a bit scared with trusting myself "around him", became very cautius..
I'm just scared it'll end bad..
This obviously doesn't mean that from now on I'll totally avoid him xD
You idiots =P I'm not a coward!
I'm going to surprise myself..
God somethimes I think I'm schizofrenic..

Things are getting hard again at home..
My parents hardly have anything nice to say about me or the things I do or have done..
I do everything wrong, I do everything to late, I'm rude, uninterested, I moan to much, I don't help enough.
Well, is it weird that you don't want to help the person who constantly tells you you did it wrong anyway?
Why would I help someone like that..
And they're constantly saying I should change. What the hell should I change?! WHY should I change?!
It's so weird.. My parents are the only ones who call me rude, uninterested, cold, heartless, a bitch..
If I tell anyone else that they're shocked in horror, "How can you parents say that?!"
Yeah, I don't know..
And when I tell my parents they say that they're like "WHY CAN YOU BE NICE OUTSIDE OF HOME?! AND NOT HERE WHERE PEOPLE LOVE YOU?!"

Yeah, guess what..
Maybe they're just really in some weird parallel universe or something.. Or maybe they see a twin me, and my twin me does everything wrong..
I don't know I don't get it. Last time my dad suddenly started ramblin about that I had a problem and really should change, and I AM a problem..
I really don't get it..
It's like I can't do anything good in their eyes, and that hurts.
They are so bad for my selfesteem. They might think they help with it, maybe the sometimes have at some point. But most of the times they just bring me down.
Tear me apart.
I've been feeling so good lately, so strong and confident, self confident!
I feel like I'm going to show the world what I've got in me and will surprise you, and I want to see the teeth drop from your mouth when I do.
But with my parents constant trying to get me down it's really hard to stay on top of that mountain..
I don't know for how long I can take it before Í'm going to break.
They say I need to change in order for them to help me more with things, to do more nice things for me.
Like, What the hell is that?! They're my parents, they HAVE to help me do things, or do nice things for me, or tell me well done! IT'S WHAT THEY DO!

Besides, they're the adults, they change first, what the hell can you expect from an 18 year old teenager?

All I want is a pat on the sholder.. Somebody to tell me "Well done! You did that really good!" or "You look really good today!" or something like that.
I rarely get compliments. Once a month is many. Not at home, not anywere. And everybody keeps comming to me for a pat on the shoulder, an encouragement, a "Well done!"
And I happily give those things to them! I like telling people they did a good job! Or they look good or something like that.. I like giving them encouragement, or telling them it will be allright..

But it would be nice if someone would tell me those things once in a while..
At some point I just stopped telling things I was proud of, just because I wouldn't get a compliment out of it anyway, or a really uninterested one.
Or they would just start rambling about their own experiences about those things, totally forgetting my proud and urge for a pat.

I used to do things just to get compliments, but that didn't work, so I stopped that too..
It's also why I'm so weird when I DO get a compliment. I really don't know how the handle getting a compliment.
It feels good to get one! It really does! Sometimes I have to hold back some tears because FINALLY somebody apreciated what I did!

But I don't know to be obviously greatful, just smile and say thanks, or get shy and wave it away, be non-chalant and act like it's an everyday thing..
I can't handle them.
I think that if that went different when I was younger I wouldn't be like that right now.
I think of a lot of things that if they went different when I was younger things would be different now.

And Somewhat I'm scared my brother will get this to..

Allright enough with the sad talk!

Though I don't have any other happy things to say..

Oh and by the way..
I officially hate the "OV-chipcard"
Damn thing brings nothing but trouble!