Sad talk

And ofcourse I had to be manage to throw over my coffee the first 30 minutes at work..
Well done!

3 months single now..
Used to it? Yes.
Okay with it? Yes.
Liking it?  Difficult.. On one hand I kind of like having all my thoughts to myself, not having to spend energy in somebody else (God that sounds selfish!)
Though on the other hand, if you're in love you'd want to put ALL you energy in somebody else.. And I really do quite feel alone..

But I know I shouldn't go looking for it, cause when you force yourself to fall in love it ends bad, it has to find you.
Besides.. I'm way to scared I'll ditch my single title for the wrong reason. That I'll take a boyfriend to just not be alone anymore, AND THAT WOULDN'T BE A GOOD THING!
I want to ditch it because I'm in love.. Yeah, I'm really old fashioned when it comes to this love thing..

Just like with sex, I want to keep it special, only do it with someone I love..
I DON'T WANT TO GET A FREAKIN TOYBOY!

Who the hell do you think I am?

Just have to wait and see, I guess..
Wait and see..

"He"'s talking to me recently. I don't mind. I'm mostly bored to hell anyway, so this gives me someone to talk with, about nothing.
We don't really talk about "Important" stuff.. Well really, what used to be important stuff aint important stuff anymore, but we're not talking about "Delicate matters", now that's better xD
I don't know why he's talking to me, it's making me rather confused.
I don't mind him talking to me! It's not that!
I just don't know what's the reason for him to suddenly start talking to me..
Because.. Well.. It could be because of a darn lot of things!
I think he's just looking for company (Just like I do in my boring days)..
Or just wants to have friendship.
I'm okay with those things.
I just really hope it won't get out of hand..
And, I don't know how I should say this, because if I do, people are going to think I'm going to fall in love with him again, (What I won't! And Don't want to!)
But I'm a bit scared with trusting myself "around him", became very cautius..
I'm just scared it'll end bad..
This obviously doesn't mean that from now on I'll totally avoid him xD
You idiots =P I'm not a coward!
I'm going to surprise myself..
God somethimes I think I'm schizofrenic..

Things are getting hard again at home..
My parents hardly have anything nice to say about me or the things I do or have done..
I do everything wrong, I do everything to late, I'm rude, uninterested, I moan to much, I don't help enough.
Well, is it weird that you don't want to help the person who constantly tells you you did it wrong anyway?
Why would I help someone like that..
And they're constantly saying I should change. What the hell should I change?! WHY should I change?!
It's so weird.. My parents are the only ones who call me rude, uninterested, cold, heartless, a bitch..
If I tell anyone else that they're shocked in horror, "How can you parents say that?!"
Yeah, I don't know..
And when I tell my parents they say that they're like "WHY CAN YOU BE NICE OUTSIDE OF HOME?! AND NOT HERE WHERE PEOPLE LOVE YOU?!"

Yeah, guess what..
Maybe they're just really in some weird parallel universe or something.. Or maybe they see a twin me, and my twin me does everything wrong..
I don't know I don't get it. Last time my dad suddenly started ramblin about that I had a problem and really should change, and I AM a problem..
I really don't get it..
It's like I can't do anything good in their eyes, and that hurts.
They are so bad for my selfesteem. They might think they help with it, maybe the sometimes have at some point. But most of the times they just bring me down.
Tear me apart.
I've been feeling so good lately, so strong and confident, self confident!
I feel like I'm going to show the world what I've got in me and will surprise you, and I want to see the teeth drop from your mouth when I do.
But with my parents constant trying to get me down it's really hard to stay on top of that mountain..
I don't know for how long I can take it before Í'm going to break.
They say I need to change in order for them to help me more with things, to do more nice things for me.
Like, What the hell is that?! They're my parents, they HAVE to help me do things, or do nice things for me, or tell me well done! IT'S WHAT THEY DO!

Besides, they're the adults, they change first, what the hell can you expect from an 18 year old teenager?

All I want is a pat on the sholder.. Somebody to tell me "Well done! You did that really good!" or "You look really good today!" or something like that.
I rarely get compliments. Once a month is many. Not at home, not anywere. And everybody keeps comming to me for a pat on the shoulder, an encouragement, a "Well done!"
And I happily give those things to them! I like telling people they did a good job! Or they look good or something like that.. I like giving them encouragement, or telling them it will be allright..

But it would be nice if someone would tell me those things once in a while..
At some point I just stopped telling things I was proud of, just because I wouldn't get a compliment out of it anyway, or a really uninterested one.
Or they would just start rambling about their own experiences about those things, totally forgetting my proud and urge for a pat.

I used to do things just to get compliments, but that didn't work, so I stopped that too..
It's also why I'm so weird when I DO get a compliment. I really don't know how the handle getting a compliment.
It feels good to get one! It really does! Sometimes I have to hold back some tears because FINALLY somebody apreciated what I did!

But I don't know to be obviously greatful, just smile and say thanks, or get shy and wave it away, be non-chalant and act like it's an everyday thing..
I can't handle them.
I think that if that went different when I was younger I wouldn't be like that right now.
I think of a lot of things that if they went different when I was younger things would be different now.

And Somewhat I'm scared my brother will get this to..

Allright enough with the sad talk!

Though I don't have any other happy things to say..

Oh and by the way..
I officially hate the "OV-chipcard"
Damn thing brings nothing but trouble!