...

Promiss me

Im In Love, Again

He allegedly fell for me
through an open window
Cracked his chest open
to reveal his heart
still skeptic of my intentions
he made me swear
that I would always be there
I will always be here

Oh I'm in love
Again, again
And you may call me tomorrow my friend, yes
You may kiss me again and again
I'll hold on tight

I climbed upon his shoulders
And laughed until I cried
The view and I collide
To see this through his eyes
We never looked so pretty
Never seemed so real
I let go of myself now
And tell him how I feel

Cause I'm in love again, again
And you may call me tomorrow my friend, yes
You may kiss me again and again
I'll hold on tight

So I let go of myself now
And tell him how I feel
Cause I'm in love again, again
And you may call me tomorrow my friend, yes
You may kiss me again and again
I'll hold on tight

I'm in love again, again
And you may call me tomorrow my friend, yes
You may kiss me again and again

I'll hold on tight

I'll hold on tight

I'll hold on tight

Smile

Can someone hit the smile of my face..?
Cause I can't seem to get rid of it..

Is it a sign?

Oja natuurlijk.. Net op het moment dat je hard wilt gaan leren gaan er allemaal mensen met je kletsen..

Is dit een teken?

And It's All Because Of You..

Oh my fucking god I almost fucking fainted..

Presenntsss!!

I LOVE the bag I got for Christmas!
(Though.. I told my parents myself I wanted this bag..)
I love it! =D

It's time!

Merry Christmas everyone!!
Happy holidays!
I hope everyone has a great christmas and that there's good fortune in the year coming up..

I love you all!

xXx - Me <3

Chocolates

He bought me chocolates..

How sweet is that?!

And I thought I couldn't feel any better with someone as I did with "him"..

Nooo!

Dammit! No Glee till february!

How Deep Is Your Love..?

I think I'm in love..

I saw him again today and it was just great!

He constantly manages to make me laugh, and it just feels good to be around him..

I don't know how to explain it, but it just felt good..
And when I'm in his arms I just feel like sleeping, so comfortable am I around him..
He said so himself as well xD
He would sleep like a baby if I ever slept beside him =]

 And somehow he knows exactly where and how to hold me..!

I really do feel good when I'm in his arms..

And he keeps saying how beautiful I am and what's so lovely about me.. 

He's so goofy, just thinking about him already makes me laugh xD

And we're probably moving pretty fast.. (Sounds familiar..)

But we're trying to keep the speed down..

Pretty hard to do though.. 

Damn I can't wait to see him!! 

And it's so cute, he somehow seems very proud to "have me", and now he can't stop telling everybody about me and that I'm his and stuff like that.. Thought that was really sweet 0=]

Darn it that our schedules just don't fit..

Promissed pictures

I thought it might be time to upload some promissed pictures ;)

A picture took while touristing Utrecht by night on my "Date" (A)

 Now some pictures of my Christmas decorations! =D

This one sings.. seriously it's awesome!

This is what the label in a dress I recently bought says. I thought it was so cool!
"How beautiful you are, now you love me!"

 And tadaa! My surprise for Sinterklaas!

Pretty Pictures

Am I in love..?

Why do I feel so sad about the fact I won't see him till after christmas?

Already..?

He took these pictures when we went touristing through Utrecht last Sunday =]

Losing my status!

He is such an amazing kisser..
Oh my gosh.. 

I had sooo much fun this weekend!

It was all so easy and.. normal..?

He's so sweet and funny! 

All we did was walk around Utrecht, take some pictures, drink some hot choco and a beer xD, had snowfights, had idiotic laughs, sang while walking through the streets, we shopped, we kissed.. 

He's so mature compared to "Him"..

I can't wait to see him again!
Which probably won't be till after christmas =[

I guess this means I'm not single anymore..?

He called me baby..

...

I had forgotten what it was like to be kissed..

What to wear?!

Is it weird that I don't have stress about what to wear?


Maybe It'll come later..

Hope not..

Date

I've just been asked on a date I've just been asked on a date I've just been asked on a date I've just been asked on a date I've just been asked on a date I've just been asked on a date I've just been asked on a date I've just been asked on a date I've just been asked on a date I've just been asked on a date I've just been asked on a date I've just been asked on a date I've just been asked on a date I've just been asked on a date I've just been asked on a date I've just been asked on a date I've just been asked on a date I've just been asked on a date I've just been asked on a date I've just been asked on a date

It's already tomorrow evening..

O-M-G

Rusty Flirting Skills

Oh my god the profits you can get from having very rusty flirting skills o_O

I could just SCREAM right now but I wouldn't know what to scream!!!!

I'll tell later is just cant right now..

REALLY cant..!!!!

Too much hay on my fork.. (Hihi!)

Okay..
So maayyybeee I overastemated myself a bit..
And so maaayyybbeee I'm paying the price for it now..

Does that make me regret my choices?

This won't change a thing..

I asked him..

Didn't get much further though..

Still I talked to him.. sort of.. online..

Don't think that's going to change anything though..

Feeling dissapointed..?

Stressssssss

Oh my gosh.. Im stressing out!

I'm doing this big research task, which has to become a whole report or something.. For school..

And I've gotten to this question, and I REALLY don't understand it..

And the only one who's online from my class, and I can ask about it, is him..

Should I ask him?
Should I just figure it out myself?
Should I just ask somebody else and hope they understand it?

AARGH I NEED TO FINISH THIS TONIGHT!!

I hate it when plans don't go according to plan.. 

Fucking School

I hope I'll be able to enjoy my christmasholiday with all this stress and learning for some major big important exams JUST AFTER the holidays.. 

This sucks..
This holiday is going to suck.. 

I hate school for doing this to us, theyre out of their bloody minds!
They scheduled three, THREE really big tests the first week of school after the holidays!
NOOOOO!!

I'm totally stressing out..
Im not going to be able to enjoy the holidays for a single minute.. 

I think I might cry again just like 2 years ago for my economy exam..

It's A Hard Candy Christmas

Hey, maybe I'll dye my hair
Maybe I'll move somewhere
Maybe I'll get a car
Maybe I'll drive so far
They'll all lose track
Me, I'll bounce right back 

Maybe I'll sleep real late
Maybe I'll lose some weight
Maybe I'll clear my junk
Maybe I'll just get drunk on apple wine
Me, I'll be just 

Fine and Dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow bring me way down 

I'll be fine and dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow get me way down 

Hey, maybe I'll learn to sew
Maybe I'll just lie low
Maybe I'll hit the bars
Maybe I'll count the stars until dawn
Me, I will go on 

Maybe I'll settle down
Maybe I'll just leave town
Maybe I'll have some fun
Maybe I'll meet someone
And make him mine
Me, I'll be just 

Fine and dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow bring me way down 

I'll be fine and dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow bring me way down

I'll be fine and dandy

Lord it's like a hard candy christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow bring me way down 

'Cause I'll be fine
(I'll be fine)
Oh, I'll be fine

Now what?

6 months..

A Window To The Past

Sometimes lonelyness can teach you great things.
But right now I wish it gone.

This Harry Potter soundtrack accomplishes to hypnotise me everytime..

A few days ago I talked to the girlfriend of a boy who used to be one of His best friends..
It felt weird to talk to someone from "that time"..

She didn't tell me much good..
I didn't like that..


P.S. The original song is much prettier!
You should Download it! A window to the past - John Williams
HE ROCKS! Well no.. Cause he's a classical composer..

Like it couldnt get any worse..

Im alive..

But how..

My throat now not only "just" hurting..
Ive also finally lost my voice.. 

Thank you C1000!

NO freaking WAY!

Dammit you bastard!
Hes making me work tonight!
HES MAKING ME WORK!

AARGH!

Its moments like these I miss him the most.. He somehow did sometimes take some of the weight off me when I was angry about things..

Bastard..

It sucks when you need to have a replacement for your work and noone is available..

It sucks even more when youre sick and you need to find a replacement for youself and your boss is a hardcore cold-ass.. 

Dammit..

Note to self

Note to self; Stop reading His MSN-history..

No really, dont

Up side, Down side

Up side.
I think the slimywimy stuff in my throat is coming lose.
WHICH MEANS; the end is in sight.

WHOOEHAAA!!!

Down side

My back now hurts so bad from coughing I can hardly sit or stand straight..

Im having a 'planned-sick-day'

I really need to get up to my strengths, I cant be ill this week.
So I stayed home.
Going to call in sick for work to.. 

Like they could use someone who just coughs every 5 seconds..

Sucks

After two hours I finally got my computer to work..

This is getting really annoying..

Im really getting sick of being sick now =[

its already going on for about 3 weeks!
And my head, neck, back and belly hurts when I cough..
Whats next?

This really needs to end soon,

Im getting really depressed now..

I WANT A BOY!

Whos volunteering?

Scores

Scores for this years Sinterklaas;

4 Chocolate letters

1 bag of bath-pearls

A heat-pillow

A Hair-clip-thingy

A Christmas ornament

A Christmas garlant

A Clinique parfume pack (Parfume and bodylotion)

2 nailpolishes
A glittyglamoury pen
Bath salt
A mini bath-sponge
A mini hand and feet brush
A thingy.. I don't really know what it is exactly.. 

Sinterklaas

Sinterklaas!! Yeaahh!!

I will post pictures of this years surprise when I feel like it..

Deal with it..

What-Why-How-When

Do you think one day men can fly like a bird? Litterly like a bird?
What does love mean?

When is a friend a true friend?
Why can't some things last forever?
Why do we feel pain?
Why do we cry when we're sad?

What is laughter?

How do you know you've found something real?
When can you believe in something?
When do you know you've got to keep holding on?

When do you know you have to let go?
Why are there bad choices?
Why are there two words for the same thing?

What does a wink mean? Really mean.

Why do people die?
Why do people leave?

Why is it so hard to listen to your heart?

Why is it so hard to make the right choices is?
Why is it so hard to be strong?
Why do we need to learn?
Why do we grow bored?

Why do you feel lonely?
Why isn't easy to be lonely?

Why do we feel insecure?
Why do we want people to like us?

Why do we celebrate people who don't excist?
Why do we give presents?

How can you believe in somebody that there's no prove of?

How can you keep faith when everything goes bad?
How can you learn to stand on your own feet?
Why is it hard to make true friends?
What is a true friend?

When do you love somebody?
When do you know it's time to let go of somebody?
When do you know it's time to fight?

When do you know it's okay to break down?
Why do you want to stay strong in front of people you care about?
How do you show people you care about them?
How can you tell somebody you love them and make them believe you?
How can you convince yourself of something?

How can you hear voices in your head?
How can you feel like two persons in one body?
What is pure?
Why can doing something feel wrong?

Why is it so hard to stay optimistic?

Why to bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people?

Why am I alive?

For what am I alive?
Will I die happy at the end of my life?

If I'd die now, would I die happy..?

What is happy? 

Thats a good start!

Haha xD 3 days into December and already 7 posts xD





The medicine is disgusting..

I get knocked down

Oh.. I love the sight of a filled op candy-pot.. 

I went to the pharmecist today.

Because I cough so much and it hurts!
So now I have to take this slimy-medicine-thingy 4 times a day!
Whoops!
I hope it tastes good..
Bit stupid though..
The woman at the pharmecist acted like it was my own fault I got sick..
Like I did it on purpose!
Left me a bit sad..
But somehow nothing can get me down today..

I get knocked down, but I get up again!
Nothing's ever gonna get me down!

We might have a beginning..

I had a ini-mini conversation with "him" today!

At the end of classes I was walking towards the exit alone. "He" walked behind me with some friends.

One if his friends, who I've been really bonding with, asked me if I weren't going to wear my bonnet, hat, thing..

I said no because I didn't feel like searching for it in my bag and my dad would Pick me up soon with his car.

So "he" laughed and said I got my business taken care of. So I smiled back and agreed. Then he said if he was lucky he could lift with a trucker..

So I laughed and walked on.

I could've talked more to him if I wanted, if I grabbed the chance.. but I was to much in awe that he talked to me, and to much panicking about what to say back!

But this is a good start! It might be the start we needed..

He's not a jerk..

Let's just run!

Is it the look in your eyes?
Or is it these dancing juves..

Okay! Flirting's over..

Today this guy came at my cash register.
I've seen him loads of times.
Cause he's been at my cash register before!
And it's always been easy, and funny, and very flirtatious between us.
Even before "Him".. And during.. 

But he didn't come for a long time, and then I saw him with his girlfriend.
So I was like.. OKAY! Flirting is over..
But this Saturday he came by ALONE! It was like all over easy funny and flirtatious again..

And he came by today.. Well.. I'll just write it down exactly.
He saw I was shaking from the cold, and I was sitting at the cash register nearest to the door.
So he asked; "Are you cold from sitting near the door?"

So I replied; ""Yeah, but much colder from all the products that come from the freezers"

So he gave me a smile and said; "All right! Then tomorrow I'll come and buy coffee"

I laughed and said "I'm not working tomorrow, but you can come this Saturday! I'm here then."

He smiled again and said; "Deal, I'll come by then."

And then he walked away.

And then I felt really really weird..

When..? When..

And then you'll see I'll be the last and only one..

Hoolleee!!

Ik moet pennen dokter worden..

Iemand zei laatst tegen mij;

"Er zijn meer jongens op de wereld dan vissen in de zee"
Eigenlijk denk ik dat dat niet waar is.
Maar ik vond het toch wel een geweldige en motiverende uitspraak xD

Explore What You Don't Know

I wonder how long now it's going to take until my head will explode and leave a massive snot-stain on the wall..
Because that's what I feel like..
A ticking snot-bomb..

My new bed sleaps DELISH!

I love it..
Sucks though..
I have a 2 person bed, but a 1 person matras =']

Stupido!

Busy with Surprises again..
BIT stressed though.. Cause I just really can't find the time to finish it xD
And my present might not be here on time..

IIEK!

I'm already listening to Christmas songs =D
And I LIKE it!
I put them on while I was showering.. And just because I liked the songs so much I stood under the shower for almost an hour..
OEMPH! Bad-ass no?

Screw.Him.

Wowzers!

Wow!
Today I found someone who "spoken" has the same name as me, but written it's like WOW!

My name is "Kristel"
But hers is "Krystle"
You say it the same way..
But shit it looks way more fancy!

Everyday

Everyday I go to school optimistic

That I will try to talk to him today

That I will get my chance today..

Everyday I go home depressed..
That I failed once again..



Maybe I'm only scaring him away..
HE had a chance today, and he didn't grab it..
Or maybe he just really doesn't want to talk to me..
I'm getting so sick of this..
I'm starting to get a "Whatever.."-attitude..



I think I'm having a FluCo..
A mixture of a Flu with a Cold..
And I can tell you..
It sucks ass..

So Sick..

I'm as sick as a dog..

I hate being sick..
My brain feels like a ball of snot..

Chances

I had a chance..

And I didn't grab it..

I'm just as stupid as him...

I was alone..
Because I had to talk to one of my teachers.
When I came in to the classroom every seat next to somebody was taken.
Except for this three-seater, next to him..
So it was OR sitting next to him and be the third wheel on the wagon..
OR it was sitting alone in front of my friends..

I chose to sit alone..

Idiot I am..

New Bed!

This or next week I will get my new bed =D
HOORAY!

And it's a beauty!
In black, and iron, and romantic..

And totally fitting in my room!
I WANT IT NOW!
Damn it..
I wish I was the ruler of the world..
Then I'd have my bed now..

Where is he..

Where's that somebody when you need it the most..?

I'm so cold.. I'm just so cold..
And alone..
Even in a room full of people, LOUD people, I still feel alone..
And so cold..
Even inside it's cold..
Inside my mind it's cold..
My body is cold..

I feel so alone..

It's unfair that I have to face all these hard moments alone..

I'm shivering..

Why does this all feel like an end, and not like a beginning?

Why am I alone?

My heart is crying.. For weeks it's been crying..
It's becomming worse again..
I just feel so sad all the time..

When is it time for me to really be happy again?
And not just for a few minutes..
Without having to feel guilty afterwards..
Without it being just temporarily..
When can I be lucky again..?

When is it my turn to be lucky..

Maybe..

Maybe I do want him to read all of this..
Maybe its better if he just found out..

Maybe it would give him enough courage to step up to me..
Maybe it would make him so angry with me he just HAS to say something to me..
Maybe it'll make him slither even further back into his hole..

Me is..?

I'm tired of wearing this mask..

But at the same time I don't know what I'm hiding..

Nor do I know what I'm hiding it with..

What's the part of me that I'm hiding?
And which part of me is what I'm hiding it with..

What is me?
Who am I..?
Where am I..?
Am I still there?

Why do my smiles an laughes feel so fake..?

Why do I feel so damn guilty when I have fun..?

Why won't the tears just roll down my cheek..
I know they're in my eyes..

I hope you know..

I need to cry..
But even my body now knows I've wasted to many tears on you,

to many things..
The tears won't come..

I hope you heard me when I told the girls you could drop dead and you suddenly stood behind me.. 

I hope you know..

I hope you know you're hurting me..
I hope you know what you're doing.. 

I hate you for doing this to me.. 

I hope you know..

Darn tears..

And you.. you just erased me from everywhere..
It's like you don't even know me..
It's like I'm a stranger to you..
Do you have any idea how much you're hurting me?

I've been thinking horrible things about you..
And I feel guilty for it..

I hope you know..

Please, please stop this hurting..
You're the only one who can..

Realise.. Know..

Oh dear..

Oh dear..
I jus recieved the new Season-brochure from the H&M..

Goodbye hard earned money..

I can't find my wizardhat ='[

HARRY POTTER!

I'm going to Harry Potter today! YAYAYAYAYAYAH!

I'm so excited! I can't wait!
If it were up to me I would have went last night..
But hey.. I take good care of my friends.. (I do.. Right?)

And now I'm going tonight =D
I CAN'T FREAKING WAIT!

When I get home I'm going to look for my wizardhat and I'm going to wear it..
HELL YEAH!

Past few days I've held a HP Marathon just to get up to date again, and it totally got me in the mood for it!!

I wish time went faster..

And I wish my gran would pick up the darn phone ¬¬

Nobody congratulated us with your anniversary =[

SCORE!

Today I got;

  5 head-turners

3 smiles

1 really sweet joke

10 cents discount at the market

SCORE!

I felt truly happy today since a long long time.. 

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday my dear dear Journal!
Thank you for always being there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on..
I hope we will spend many more years together..!

But for now..

Congratulations on your one year anniversary!

I love you!

Darkness

I hate feeling sad, scared and lonely..

Comfortfood..!!!

Goddammit..

And because of all the stress and emotions I've started eating loads of comfortfood again..

So by the time something probably has happened I'll look like a 100000 pounder..

Just stop it

Open your eyes

See what's in front of you, SEE

Stop pretending

I miss you..

See what's going on,

Don't fake everything..
Look at me, just look

Don't you miss me to?

Say it..

Just say it..

I don't mean I want you back..

But let's just stop pretending..
Stop faking..
Don't act like nothing ever happened..

I know you laughed at that joke..
I know you did.. 

Am I just air?

Do I really have to blow you away before you'll notice me?

I'm hurt..
You hurt me, again

I'm tired of this,

Aren't you?
Don't you want to play a different game?
Don't you want this all to end..?

Don't you miss me in anyway?
Don't you ever think about me?
Don't you ever think "What if.."? 

Don't you.. 

And yet, again, I just can't seem to let you, this, go..

Why..?

Why do I have to be the strong one?

Why do I have to step up to him?

Why doesn't he start a conversation with me?

Why can't this be just as hard for me?

Why do I have to be the strong one all the time?

He broke up with me right?

Shouldn't he feel guilty for ignoring me?

Shouldn't he feel bad we're not talking?

Shouldn't he make the first move?

Wuss..

I'm tired of being his handpuppet..

But if I won't do anything probably nothing will ever happen..

I have to make a move and I have to make it fast or I'll go crazy..

I miss talking to him..

Whoops!

Made another one..

Only two left!

I really need to go to the market tuesday!

Yay :D

My Cards

I've made these today and yesterday..

They're quite thick.. Well that's why they're 3D or else they wouldn't be as nice xD

I'm very proud of them. 
I haven't "made" anything in a while, and I like them a lot! 

It felt good to make them!
I've still got 3 left to make.. And they'll be made soon =P

I might need to go to the market again this Tuesday xD 

xXx

Wrap It Up

I wrapped it up and send it,

with a note saying "I love you, I meant it".
Now I know,
What a fool I've been.
But if you'd kiss me now,

I know you'd fool me again.

I just had a very "Creative Spasm"
I bought 3d card sheets today at the market.
And suddenly I had this BIG urge to make one..
So in less then an hour I made a beautifull 3D Christmas Card..
Yeah..

These "big ball of stuff rolling of a very steep hill"-feelings make you do weird things.. ;)

Shoot..

Again I didn't talk to him. And I had 2 shots at it, and I didn't take 'em.. 

I feel bad.. 

I haven't talked to him now since.. Saturday evening? 

And I have this weird missing feeling.. 

When I look at him it feels weird. And I don't know what kind of weird, and why weird? 

When I look at him I feel like "a big ball of stuff rolling of a very steep hill"

I can't get a better description.. 

I'm so confused.. It's not unpleasant to have him in the class,

It's just so unpleasant that it's so awkward between us and we can't say a word.

You know what I did find a bit pussy-ass from him?

Apparently a boy asked him if we were still dating, and he said no.

So the boy asked him why not, so he said he should ask me.

Ask me?! What the..?! 

From all people I understand it the least and he sends them to me to explain our break-up? 

HE broke up with me and he sends them to me to explain why?!

Now, if thats just me, but that's wrong. He shouldn't do that.. 

Lam-o..

I'm alive!

I'm alive!

I survived seeing him! Well.. I sort of avoided really looking at him..
annnddd I also didn't speak a word to him.. 

But still..
We sort of ignored each other, but still aknowledged that we we're sitting next to each other.
YES! We were sitting next to each other.. There was an empty seat next to where I sat, annnd he took it.. 

I sort of feel bad for not saying anything. Cause we did text a bit before class, and when he came in I didn't say a thing, not even "Hi" or something..
I gave him one dorky stupid failing little smile.. But that's no talking..

Tomorrow I will talk to him.
One step at a time.

Besides, it's not like he tried to talk with me..
I'm not the only bad guy here..
And when I got the guts to want to say something to him classes were over and he basicly ran out of the room..

It's going to be okay now.
I'm still a bit confused about my feelings though.

I thought it was really sweet! Some of the boys asked me if I was still dating him, and I said no. So they asked why "I" broke up with and I said that he did. And immidiatly they started saying that he was an idiot and if I wanted to they'd kick his ass xD 

Thought that was really sweet =]

Survived classes! Next step, Homework.. God.. haven't had that in a looong looooong time..

I'm dying here..

I'd like to get hit by a bus like.. a.s.a.p.

Is it very ironic that I'll see him again on the day that it'll be 5 months..?

I think I'd be a pretty nun.. 

I'm okay

I'm okay.. I'm good..

I'm cool with this..

Maybe I'm not completly ready. Maybe I'm note "done" with all of this yet.

But I've accepted this. Though I won't admit "it". (Yeah I'm talking in riddles.. but that's because of the "it" thing..)

I'm moving on, until the bitter end.
I'm going to be cool with this, I've accepted this..

I can fight whatever I want, I'll never win it.
Nor will I lose it.
There's just no side in this, it's a circle, and all the exits in this circle are w-r-o-n-g

So it's time I made my own exit. But, ofcourse, that's going to take a lot of time.

But I'm ready for building my own exit.

I want to get out.

It's done, we're done.
"It's" not happening.
And that's a good thing.
It's just not happening.
We're done. Time to move on.

I'm going to nail this, I am.
I'll blow everyones minds next week. 

Actually, no I don't think I will blow everyone's minds, but I will blow mine.
And that's all I need!

P.S. My traineeship just passed the test! I officially nailed my traineeship!

Jesse St. James aka Jonathan Groff

Oh My God.. I fell in love with him the moment he danced into my screen..

 

It's Jonathan Groff (Jesse St. James in Glee <3 )

Isn't he just dreamy? You should hear him sing..

This is him singing

You know what the absolutely devistating part about him is =[

He's gay ='[

Why are all the good ones gay?!

Which is all the more a good reason to stop looking at pictures of him..

Cause not only he's a american celebrity, he's also gay.

Which is like 100% un-accessable for me.. 

Hooray! My first second crush is on an american singer who's gay!

Fuck Yeah Bruno Mars, collaboration of these songs: 1....

Oh my god.. I wish I could put this on my Ipod..

Fuck Yeah Bruno Mars, collaboration of these songs: 1....

It's allright

I love the feeling that, after you worried a lot about something, it turns out allright

There was nothing to worry about!

Too bad it would've been something I could've survived if it had gone wrong..

My real worries haven't changed..

I'm so dead if he finds out my doubts..

But it'll be allright. In a few years I'll laugh about this moment.. then it WILL all be just a memory..

God I can't wait for that year to come..

Don't Rain On My Parade

This gives me a tiny teeny bit of courage.. 

Don't tell me not to live,
Just sit and putter,
Life's candy and the sun's
A ball of butter.
Don't bring around a cloud
To rain on my parade!

Don't tell me not to fly--
I've simply got to.
If someone takes a spill,
It's me and not you.
Who told you you're allowed
To rain on my parade!

I'll march my band out,
I'll beat my drum,
And if I'm fanned out,
Your turn at bat, sir.
At least I didn't fake it.
Hat, sir, I guess I didn't make it!

But whether I'm the rose
Of sheer perfection,
Or freckle on the nose
Of life's complexion,
The cinder or the shiny apple of its eye,
I gotta fly once,
I gotta try once,
Only can die once, right, sir?
Ooh, life is juicy,
Juicy, and you see
I gotta have my bite, sir!

Get ready for me, love,
cause I'm a commer,
I simply gotta march,
My heart's a drummer.
Don't bring around a cloud
To rain on my parade!

I'm gonna live and live now,
Get what I want--I know how,
One roll for the whole show bang,
One throw, that bell will go clang,
Eye on the target and wham
One shot, one gun shot, and BAM
Hey, Mister Armstein,
Here I am!

I'll march my band out,
I will beat my drum,
And if I'm fanned out,
Your turn at bat, sir,
At least I didn't fake it.
Hat, sir, I guess I didn't make it.

Get ready for me, love,
'cause I'm a commer,
I simply gotta march,
My heart's a drummer.
Nobody, no, nobody
Is gonna rain on my parade!

Sleep my dearest..

And sleep just won't get to me..

I wish I could sleep and cry all my worries and doubts away..

Just sleep my dearest..

Just sleep..

Geez..

Tomorrow 4 months.. God.. 

Just 2 weeks and traineeship will be over..

It feels weird that it'll be over then..

...

I'm scared.. I'm so damn scared..

I wonder what would have happened if I did run to his platform almost 6 months ago.. that long already..

I still cry when I read my blog about "The night"...

I'm scared.. I don't know what to do..

I don't want this and everything just feels so wrong..  

Crying

I feel so confused I only want to cry..

I'm scared of myself..

I don't want this..

But I don't want "this" either!

I want to cry..

If only that would help..

Oh I wish crying could solve everything..

If it did I'd cry oceans right now!

It just feels so wrong all of it!

Like there are two persons in my head, screaming at each other..

And it's so loud I can't even hear what they're saying..

I'm so confused..

I want to cry.. if it'd solve it..

And there just doesn't seem to be a solution that's worth it..

Cause I can go neither way!

I'm stuck in my own trap..

I've gone to far, and yet I'm right where I want to be..

It's so wrong..

My feelings always Tell me what to do.. my feelings have never lied to me, never been wrong about anything, I rely on my feelings..

And right now I'm having so many feelings that I'm totally numb. I don't feel a thing.

I don't know what to do.

And that's when my head steps in. My head is my net, that what I fall back on when I don't know anymore..

But because there are so many voices, so many feelings, I can't hear my head anymore..

I'm lost in this unending, facinating, drunken, drugging, beautiful light..

And I can't get out..

Maybe if I cry enough I'll just float out..

And then I thought I was done with it..

How naive of me..

I should have known better, nothing ever "gets done" the easy way with me..

Wrong..

I'm having a major fall back..

I'm doing it wrong..

This somehow feels so wrong.
Like this is not the way that it's supposed to be.
This was not supposed to happen.
It just feels wrong.

I'm having a fall back..
Is that normal with these kind of things?

They say that when you try to quit smoking, drinking or drugs or whatever,
That you always have a fall back, and when you overcome that you've beaten it.

Is this even a fall back?
Will I be able to beat it?
Do I WANT to beat it?

Oh geez.. It feels so wrong..
I don't want to have a fall back..

I thought I was getting better..
I WAS getting better..

But this is just all getting way too close for comfort..

It's starting to feel just like before,

too much like before..
Too many old feelings are coming up..

And still it feels wrong..
Like I don't want to fight it.
I don't want to fight it.

And that's scary..

I've started eating, no snacking, again.
And that's a sign, and it's not a good one.

This is such a drama..
And if I won't have control over this in two weeks it's going to be a mess.
It's going to be a mess..
I won't be able to do it.
I can't pull it off..

I don't want to fight it.

It feels wrong.

I don't want to do this anymore over and over again.

I don't know how long I can stand this torment.

I don't know how long I can lie.

I don't want to not want to fight it.

I want to move on, to all of this just be a memory.

I'm so tired of this..

But my heart is to stubborn to cooperate.

It just keeps banging in my chest, numbing my smarter head, my head knows what to do, my head knows exactly what to do.

But my heart's got me in it's grip. I can't do anything but to listen to it, let it torment it..

And god.. This torment is making me feel so good..

Yuck

I feel sick.
I might just throw-up

My stomache hurts like somethings eating me from inside.
And I hope I'll make it till tonight cause I've got to be on the support team =[

Ugh.. Life sucks right now.. 

Milestones

I'm in drenthe right now. One blessed week off! Quite bored though.. but still.. week off! Yay!!

The scenery here is beautiful.. and it makes me proud to be dutch. Sure there are a lot of beautiful other countries! And in the past I always said I wanted to move abroad. But I wouldn't trade my little country for any other sunny land or something..

Today I went shopping and almost every boy I looked at (I swear to god, I'm not exagerating!) Stared at me! And it felt so good!

I thought I should give them a really hot glare back, but I was to much of a pussy to do that..

I took my guitar with me! And in 3 days I've learned 2 new songs! Yay!!

Gosh I've missed my guitar.. when this whole "him" business started I just totally lost the feel to play..

I love it here!

Cliché songs

Hahaha xD I love it that all those old stupid cliche songs are on the radio =P

In the navy, Sex on the beach, Watskebeurt, American Pie

Love it!!

This isn't a cliché song though..
It's originally from le Misarble, but I like this version better =P

Lame

You know a radio-station sucks when they say a song is a new single for two weeks long already, though the song is already a year and a half old..

I can't..

FUCKING HELL CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE KILL ME I'M SO DONE WITH NOT UNDERSTANDING WHAT I FEEL AND WHAT TO DO WITH THESE FEELINGS!

I wish I could crawl up in my bed and cry ='[
And I don't even know why I would cry..

I feel so lost..
I need a new meaning..
When is that hand that's going to help me up ever going to come?
I need a light..
Please find me a light..
I can't be lost forever..

I wish there was a magic word, a potion, a spell..
A cookie, a drink, something
Something that can make me understand all this..

I know understand why your first break-up is the worst..
You're just not used to all these feelings and things going on..
You just don't know what to do..

Still I wonder if I'd be better at it a second time..
Probably not..

War-zone

At least these feelings let me know I'm still alive

Damn.. Just survived another bomb..
I'm starting to feel like a robot more and more..

I don't want to be reasonable

I don't want to think about everything

I don't want to analyse everything you say

I don't want to listen to the message behind your words

I don't want to feel like I'm in a war-zone

I just want to smile

I just want to laugh

I want to run around in a feeld, laughing and screaming

I want to dance, and not care that I look like an idiot

I just want to say things without having to watch what the might mean to you

I just want to listen to what you say, but not really hear it

I just want to be me, without having to do anything

I just don't want to be a puppet for your words anymore..

Because yes, this feels like a war-zone..
And every word you say is a bomb in my field.
And my land is about to crumble down.
But still I won't give in.
I will plant a forest, so won't see you comming

I will let loose birds, hundreds of them, so I won't hear you comming
I will find horses, so I can flee..

I will find bears, and make clothes, to keep me warm from your cold boms

I will find a cave, far deep in a big mountain, where I'll hide, for you.
And noone will find me, especially not you.
And I will be lonely.
But when the stroms gone down.
And my land has crumbled.
Trees have been burnded, my animels been slaughtered.
Just because you can.
Then I will come out and I will fight, for my right and my field.
For I will not die without a fight, I will not let you get away killing my soul, my field, my rights.
And I will win.
But untill then, I will hide..

Is it okay to cry about something that you shouldn't give a shit about?
This just feels like such a defenite ending..

Floopsie..

In the past few months I might have spend near to €400,- at clothes.
I just had this unending need to buy clothes, buy new things.
I know it's because of the change in my life.
I've changed quite a lot, I know that. 

I've created a new style, that's still me, but still new.

I think I'm done redoing my wardrobe.
I feel good now.
My bankacount can have some rest now ;)

For a little while..

I would still need an outfit for Sinterklaas and Christmas and New Year and...

Teehee!

...

I think he'd be shocked if he ever reads my blog..

Woah! This is my 200th blog!!

Rollercoasters

Up, down, Up Down..

Geez it's like we're on a freaking rollercoaster..

I'm just sick of him constantly critisizing me, or saying he's done it better then me, or worse.
Why can't he just sometimes say that something sucks for me?
Or that I did something good?
I'm not searching for his aproval or compassion.
It would just be very nice to get back what you give.

Everything I say to him is nonsense.. 

If he'd only knew how much he hurts me sometimes.. 

With the littlest things..

Not that he'd understand it if he knew..

Dammit.. And there's absolutly no selution to this.

Which makes it even more frustrating!!

Smile, though your heart is aching

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky
you'll get by.

If you smile through your pain and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun shining through
For you.

Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying.
You'll find that life is still worthwhile-
If you just smile.

Smile - Charlie Chaplin

I'm into Paramore these days, and I wish I could post all the songs that get to me from them..
But that would be a damn lot..
So I'm posting this one ;)

Day of the trainee

I got this at traineeship! It's the day of the trainee! They decorated my desk and room and all kept saying sweet things!

I'm really going to miss them when it's all over.. 

My Hearts medley

I can't keep loving you

But I've got to keep my feet on the ground when my head's in the clouds

And I can't stop this feeling

But it's over now, so go on and take a bow.

Cause what we had is history.

It's my life, and it's now or never.

Cause it's just a little crush.

And I'm moving on.

(Half of my heart - John Mayer, Brick by boring Brick - Paramore - Can't stop this feeling - Glee, Take a Bow - Rihanna, History - Vassy, It's my life - Bon Jovi, Crush - Glee, Moving on - Rascall Flatts)

Order from Russia

He's saying that by Christmas he might already start his 2nd traineeship.
Which means he'll be gone from my life again.
Somehow I feel really repugnant about that..
I've started to become used to talking to him again.
And I feel like the only reason he's talking to me now, is so it won't be awkward when we get back to school.
Which means, that when he starts his 2nd traineeship he won't have a reason to talk to me.

I'm don't like that very much.. I still "like him as a friend" or however I'm supposed to say that without people getting suspicious.

I'll miss him again. Somehow this feels like losing him all-over again, in a different way.

Damn.. Why's this so complicated..

And I can't talk to my friends about this, because they say I talk to much about him.
But I need to talk about him, I need to talk about this! Or I won't get it out of my system!
I got over him so fast, I'm happy for that, but this also means the aftermath will be long, and I knew that to..
But I need to talk about this. I need someone to tell me it's going to be okay. I need someone to tell me that they understand that this feel weird.
I need someone to tell me that it's not weird to "miss" your ex-boyfriend even though you're not in love with him anymore.
I need someone to tell me that it's okay to cry. It's okay to feel lost. As long as you find the way back.
I need someone to get angry with me, for even thinking of feeling alone though I have rows of friends waiting to catch my fall.
I just need somebody who can be there for me full time.
Doesn't need to talk about me all the time. Not at all.
I just need someone to chatter to about nonsense. I want somebody who'll tell about their life.
I just need attention, full time.
Full time attention.
"We" were almost full time attention. I just need that damned attention.
Damn him..

I wish I could hit a button to speed forward and just skip this part, get it over with..
Skip the part when he'll be gone again, skip the part that I'll feel lonely as hell again, skip the part that I feel miserable that I won't have someone to argue with anymore, skip it to the part that I'll be happy again.

I know what would solve this!
NEW BOYFRIEND!
Dammit.. Can't I order one from Russia or something?

1 to 16

1st. I want a new boyfriend

2nd. The writer of my book needs a new editor

3rd. I need a hug

4th. I need a neck massage

5th. I want to sleep.. A lot..
6th. I want to go out and dance and drink and have a ridiculously good time and not care about my behaviour

7th. I want Bolletje Kruidnoten

8th. I need to cry

9th. I need a new boyfriend

10th. I want my shoes

11th. I want a new short

12th. I want to lose the fat around my belly (No, I don't think I'm fat.. It would just be nice if I didn't feel so consious about my self when I sat down..)

13th. I want better mandarines than these..
14th. I need distraction

15th. I really need that hug

16th. I really need that damned boyfriend

Fishing, Testing or Hurting

I think he's fishing for something from me..
Or testing me..

Why else would he keep talking about when he goes out?
Or that he doesn't remember kissing anybody this weekend?
Or that sometimes he's so deep in thoughts he wakes up from them finding himself kissing somebody?

Why the hell would he think I'd find that interesting?
Why the hell would he think I'd want to even KNOW that.. 
What the hell is his point?
Does he try to hurt me?

I'm not hurt, I just feel tested, and quite a bit awkward.. 

*sigh* And still I'm not surprised by his behaviour..

I was surprised by the apologies though xD

Dammit!

Dammit! Yesterday I was SO pissed with him!

And now he apologizes and explains and I'm all rosewater and moonshine again..
CRAP HOW DOES HE DO IT?!

I'm quite done with it.. 

I'm way to forgiving on everybody..
Maybe I just want friends so bad I just forgive them cause I'm scared to lose them if I don't..

I do manage to have some pretty damned good friends because of it though xD

Schoenenhemel!!

Ik denk dat ik de schoenenhemel op internet gevonden heb!!

www.alysamode.nl

Weird stuff

Hmm.. My healthinsurance should have been paid two days ago but they still didn't take the money of my account..
Very very weird..
I'm a bit scared that they'll take it AFTER I have to pay my phone-bill.. And then it might be a problem cause I don't know how fast I have to transfer it.. 

IEK! I hate it when things don't go as I planned o_O

Maybe I'm a bit authistic.. No, actually everybody is a bit authistic xD 

I'm reading this book written by a Canadian, and a part of it sets in Amsterdam.
WHOAH! There are SO many things she has wrong!
- There is no such things as bells in our busses our trains, never had those either

- There is no way in HELL, then at night when you go by train from Schiphol Airport to Amsterdam it can be completely dark, there are ALWAYS lights there, it just can't be..

- A nick name for "De Wallen" is not "De Walletjes", I don't know to which dutchie she spoke to, but it's an idiot. If you'd ask for "De Walletjes" in Amsterdam people would stare at you and think you've been on the pod or something.
- Amsterdam is NOT a small city! Maybe compared to London and New York, but that still doesn't mean Amsterdam is a small city!

- Amsterdam is not a car free city, well maybe a big part, but taxi's are allowed..

- Dutchies might bike a lot... But we don't go shopping with our bikes, which Idiot thought of that?
Shopping with a bike?!
They've noticed we bike a lot, but didn't notice that they get stollen even when you're still holding it?!

I can get so worked up when foreigners write about Holland and get it so completly wrong..
That's why I mostly don't even want to read books from foreigners that set in Holland. 

They just practicly raped my country.. 

Yesterday I went to a evening for people who have friends with eatingdisorders.. It was really weird..
Very awkward too.. 

I'm really scared now, I don't want her to become like the girls I've heard talk about.
I don't want her to end op in a wheelchair, I don't want her to stay in a hospital for 2 months because her organs are failing, I don't want to never see her again because she has to be taken in in the clinic.
I can see she's improving. It's hard to really put my finger on it. But she just seems better.
At that talk evening they said it's better not to tell her that she looks good.
And I know she reads this.
But I just honestly want her to know that she looks good. She looks healthy.
Her skin just looks happy, last wensday she we were with some friends.
And I was kind of shocked with how much better she looked since a few months ago.
And this really made me happy. I'm really proud of her. And I love her very dearly.
And I don't give a shit, if she's tall, tiny, fat, skinny, blue, pink or brown. 

As long as she'll be her I'll love her and she'll always be my friend. 

I love you girl!

Crap! I'm getting addicted to the android Alchemy-game and I smell like the wool from my scarf!!
Not that it stinks bad.. But it gets me very distracted.. Teehee xD

Bla-Bla-Bla

UGH! Drama!
I found this unbelievably cute skirt!
But it's sold out on the internet..

LUCKILY! There is a shop only 10 minutes biking away from me.
Bad part is that I really don't have time to go shop..

I need a shopping-sunday..