Things.. Just things..

God dammit!

I got my period and it hurts like HELL!

And I look like I'm fucking pregnant!

Boogie!
And I was wearing white Jeans today!
So yeah.. You can guess what happened..

Tomorrow I'm going shopping =D
YAY! And I'm going to enjoy it..
Period.. No! NO PERIOD!

And I'm not going to look at the spot where "he" broke up with me.. Cause I might start crying then..
I won't do that..

Tonight my dad is going to take me out for a drive again =D
Excitment!

Today my phone got activated and now I can text en call again! HOORAY!

Tomorrow I've also got a dinner with the fokes of my internship!
Looking forward to that!

And Friday I'm going to Twilight:Eclipse with a friend =D
Looking forward to that to!!

Don't know anything else to tell..

My head is a mess right now..
So many things are going through my mind

So many things to think about

So many things to concider

So many things I want to do

So many things to look at

So many things to do..
I've been meaning to clean my room for two weeks now, and I still haven't
[DIRTY!!]

And still I manage to be bored every once in a while xD
[Hihi]

And I so desperetly want to meet new people..

Nothing Compares

Walking down Brick Lane, feel the blue.
Winds blowing lightly and I picture you.
Sweet Sunday morning, with nothing to do.
Love is like a dream, when it's just me and you.

Open my window, sing me a song.
Baby can't you see that this is where I belong
With your hand in my hand, still feel feel the love
Really wish that we could go back to the way that it was.

They say if it doesn't kill you it'll make you stronger.
Oh, but I can't be without you any longer.
Everytime I let it go, baby it's you.
Nothing compares to you.
Nothing compares to you.

Sweet sunday morning, all by myself.
Hard love what we've done, when with anyone else.
Watch my mascara dripping down.
Baby how did we end up like this? Where are you now?

They say if it doesn't kill you it'll make you stronger.
Oh, but I can't be without you any longer.
Everytime I let it go, baby it's you.
Nothing compares to you.
Nothing compares to you.

I'm running fast, as fast as I can, to get you back, just to get you back again.
I can not wait, I can not wait, if we can be, we can be us again.
I cry at night, cry at night, I'll cry for all the words, all the words I didn't say.
Sweet Sundays, sweet Sundays.

They say if it doesn't kill you it'll make you stronger.
Oh, but I can't be without you any longer.
Everytime I let it go, baby it's you.
Nothing compares to you.
Nothing compares to you.

Pixie Lott - Nothing Compares

Questions to the memory I once could call mine

You got your happy ending

You got it your way for the millionth time

Are you happy now?

You closed the book forever

Are you happy you're done reading?

Are you happy that it's done?

Are you happy about how the things turned out afterwards?

Are you happy to be alone now?

Are you happier now?

Are you better now?

Did this help?

Are you okay now?

How are you doing..?

Are you sleeping okay?

How was your last day?

What are your plans for summer?

What are you doing lately?

Do you ever think of me..?

Like I still think of you..

Don't you want to know about me?

You really don't care anymore..?

Mean

I'm a mean, very, mean girl..

I'm a bad girl.. 

I'm a very bad girl..

I should be locked up..

For the record..

Oh and yeah..
For the record?
I feel sick..
I feel horrible!
I feel so sick that if I won't watch it I'll throw up any minute..

I feel so horrible..
And it's all because my neck hurts like hell..

It hurts so much..

I'm in so much pain it makes me sick..

Asked my mum for a new pillow..
*sigh* "we won't get one untill after the holidays.. I really don't have time for that now!"
Holidays is over in two months.. By that I could have died from the pain!
"We could go to Ikea if you want after the summer?"

Ikea? Ikea?! A Ikea Pillow?!
I need a goddamn good pillow that I need to touch it and I'll be asleep!
Not a damn Ikea pillow!

Those Ikea pillows better be good.. or I'll commit suicide to prove my point..

Obvious

Three weeks already..
Still not used to this being single thing..
Still not a “Happy Single”

 

I wonder if he ever thinks of me..
I wonder if he has those sudden memories when he sees things to..
I wonder if he wonders if I’m okay..

I wonder how he feels about all this..

I’m really confused about all this..
Really.. I don’t know anymore..

I don’t know what I want, I don’t know what I need..

And that’s bad cause if I don’t know I can’t get better!
I need to meet new people..
I need to flirt, I need to get out there..
I need to go to places.. That’s what I think I need..

But I don’t know anything specific that I need..

Gosh.. I wish everything would be just obvious..

I really wonder how he is..
But I think that if I’d ask him he’ll just say he’s tired but okay..
The answer I always used to get..
I don’t think he’d tell me how he really is..

But then again.. Why would he tell me the truth?
I know I deserve the truth..
But what’s in for him telling me the truth?
A clean conscious? He doesn’t give a shit about that..

 

I wish he’d just be obvious to..

A tan

Sat in the garden the whole day..

Naturally my legs got extremely sunburned..

Looks weird though..

Front looks red and the back looks white xD

I really desperatly want a tan..

Hotpants!

I'm walking through the house with my hotpants on 8-)

Go karting was so super duper awesome!

Will Tell more on that later.. ;)

I'm So Excited I Might..

I'm going go karting like right now.

And I'm so excited I could pee myself.

up-to-date-bring-thing..

Well..
I’ve got zero motivation to get any work done at my internship today.
So I’m just going to start on my up-to-date-bring-thing..
Hooray!

Gaah just heard a gooey story on the radio..
I’D LIKE A NEW BOYFRIEND THANKS!

But I wasn’t goint to talk about anything like that..

What’s going on right now..

I’m a traineeeeeeee… Hate that word.. sounds like a fucking training-barbie..

At ROCMN [Which is also the school I’m on] At the Marketing&Communication-department [Which is also the course I’m following]

And I’m doing great!
People are really nice to me and I've learned so much in the past 2,5 months!
Next Tuesday will be my last day, and then I’ll be starting the.. 22th of August again.

And I’m not looking up to it!

Still working at the Super de Boer, still liking it there

Going to work A LOT during summer holiday because I’m going to have to pay those vacations somehow?

Becaaauuuussseee I’m going to London AND Madeira =D
London with the gaals.. And Madeira with my parents and brother..
And I’m SO looking forward to it!!

YAYAYAY! I want to go NOW!

My birthday is … in exactly two weeks today, and I’ll be turning 18..

That’s.. Like.. Really old.. And… Adult..ish..

And I really REALLY want to shop..

Anndd… I’ve got way to much free time on my hands these days…
So I’m trying to get back in contact with old friends and stuff..
So if you want to make me less bored talk to me xD

God.. It’s really hard to not suddenly talk about “him”…

But this was mostly that’s going on lately..

OH NO WAIT!

SWIMMING!
I’m doing this swimming game, contest, thing.. It’s like.. 4 days of the week you have to swim 20 “laps”.. Actually just back and forth in the pool.. And when you do that successfully you get a medal =P
Sounds really boring but I love it!

I really like it! It’s so much fun..
Doing it with a friend and this evening will be the last time..
Boohoohoo =’[

But it’ll be fine when I get my medal xD
Teehee!

So.. Yeah..
That’s whassup!

Everywhere

Oh god..
This is going to be hard..
I just came from school and "he" is just everywhere there!
In the hallway, waiting next to the toilett, on every bench, EVERY BENCH!

In the kantine, in the classroom, at the entrance, walking from the mall..

It's going to be really hard!

I still am a 100% sure I don't love him anymore, I'm over him..
But it's not nice to be reminded of him everywhere!

I'm not going to like seeing his ghost everywhere in school.
I'm over him, but the memory still hurts somewhat.

This is going to be hard..

And I feel so scared and alone..
There's noone I can talk with.. well.. Noone I feel like talking about this..
I feel so miss-understood.

Everybody is talking so bad about him now..

Like he's the worst person ever.
I don't like them saying that about him.
Cause I know he's a good person.
I know he's got good inside of him. 

He's a good person. 

I don't know what to do anymore..

How Does It Feel?

How Does It Feel To Know This All Is About You?

Think thinking

I think I should stop thinking..

I think way to much!

Makes me so restless!

I can't sleep of all the thinking!

So.. let's just try and stop thinking mkay?

Gaaaaahrggg!!!

That is NOT an option!

I noticed that almost every post of the past 4 weeks..

Was about "him"

Or had to do something with him..

Don't know when it will stop..

But I'll try posting things about my life again soon ;)

I almost haven't got any time on my hands for blogging.. Most I do is at my traineeship or at night on my phone..

And both aren't very good options..

But quitting blogging is deffenitly not an option!!

So I'll try to post some things this weekend?

Give you an update about everything =]

What happened with me, besides the stupid boy who I knew was gonna break my heart and..

Look at that! I was right!

Sometimes I'm amazed about how much I know is gonna happen, but still ignore it anyway because I don't want it to happen and I'm going to prove to myself that it's not gonna happen..

Mostly I lose.. and I win..

OOEHH!! Schyzofrenia!!

Look in the mirror and tell me what you see..
Do you really see you?
Or do you see that what your head wants you to see?
Do you see reality?
Or just all that shouldn't be you..
Do you see yourself?

I got Whislet at! Whoop Whoop!

I forgot what it felt like to be whistled at on the street..

Gives a damn good boost to your self esteem xD

O-M-G! This is my 101st post!

---------------------

Boy you're wasting my time
But maybe that is my crime
I should of left you
Guess then I was the fool when you stepped outta line
And we'd get all inner twined
I got to end it with you
But I couldn't quite do
Don't know why I denied
All that time that I cried
Didn't know what to do
Deep down I had a clue
That I had to resign
To the fact that you lied
Afraid that I would lose you
Cause I was still in love with you

Boy you mess up
Now you wanna fess up
Cause you wanna get back on to me
Too late cause I'm over you
What we had is gone to me your History

What is left of you
Da da nda nda da da

For me to recognize
Is it you or my pride
I've got nothing to lose
So it's me that I choose
You were holding me down
Had to bounce or I'd drown
You're the shadow on my light
Stop me shining so bright

Boy you mess up
Now you wanna fess up
Cause you wanna get back on to me
Too late cause I'm over you
What we had is gone to me your History

What is left of you
Da da nda nda da da

When I saw that you called
I see your name on my phone
Makes me nervous inside
Emotions I can't hide
Why you hurt me so bad
Far too long I was sad
You're my joy my pain
I ain't playing no game

Boy you mess up
Now you wanna fess up
Cause you wanna get back on to me
Too late cause I'm over you
What we had is gone to me your history

Boy you mess up
Now you wanna fess up
Cause you wanna get back on to me
Too late, too late, too late
What he had is gone to me your history

What is left of you

Vassy - History

An Ordinary Promiss

Oh I found so many awesome foto's of my play!
I'll put them on here as soon as I get home!

Scouts promiss!

(Though I never did scouting or anything like that.. So it's actually just an ordinary promiss..)

Seriously..

Seriously.. There are to many companies that have the same last name as him.
He'll keep haunting me like this..

I feel SO happy!

I think I'm over him.

I don't love him anymore
I don't need him anymore

I don't want him anymore

I don't love him anymore..

And THAT makes me so SO happy!

I'm free! Free to move on with my life! I can let him go now!
I don't need him anymore!
I don't need him to feed my brain anymore..
I can do without him anymore

I can be my own person again.
I can look at guys without guilt

I can find a new guy who'll be to good for me!

I can't WAIT to feel that tingly whooshy feeling of butterfly's in my stomache again

I can't WAIT to be in love again!
I can't WAIT to feel manly arms around me again

I can't wait to be kissed again..

I feel so happy.. I feel SO happy!

God put a smile on my face again.. 

I don't know how this happened, just this morning I woke up and I was just totally done with it.
I was absolutely done with it.
And for the first time this morning, I didn't wake up thinking of HIM

I didn't spend my breakfast thinking of him!
I didn't spend my "getting ready to leave" of him!
I didn't think of him untill I got on my internship-spot and thought "Hey.. I haven't thought of him yet!"

I am so happy.. I felt like crying, just because it felt so good to be free again..
I'm not saying I like this single-beeing, BECAUSE I WON'T!

I'll NEVER like being single, NEVER!

But it feels so good to be able to let him go.
Let this rest.
I can think about the happy things again now.
I can think about my happy memories now.
 

I hope I'm not jumping to conclusions to fast..

Call the papers!

I think I've had a breakthroug

...

Welcome back the damn lonely feeling again..

It's just SO not fair..

It's not fair..

It's just SO not fair..

How come he's going on with his life like nothing ever happened?

But I'm stuck with all the shit feeling and the problems..

Every smile I smile is a half one.

When I finally was a complete puzzle he took that finishing piece away from me again.

Why am I stuck with this unjustified feeling?

It's so not fair! It's just so not fair!

I don't deserve this!

What did I ever do in my life to feel like this?

Why can't I just ever have a normal friend? A normal relationship?

Why do I always have to walk the hard way.

Will this ever stop?

Maybe I should just delete everything I have from him..
So I can't get in temptation to look at it when I need it..
Delete him from my contacts in MSN
Delete him from my phone
Delete his texts
Delete his E-mails
Delete his pictures
Hide his necklace where I'll forget I placed it
Get rid of everyhting that has a memory of him..
Everything..
If I could choose I'd totally redecorate my complete room, just so I won't have any memories of him in my room..

I want to delete him from my life.
Forget he ever excisted
I want to forget him and this..
I just can't have it anymore..
I don't want this..
I feel so unjustified =[
It feels so unfair..
I don't understand it..
I still don't understand it..
And then he seems absolutely fine!
IT'S JUST SO FUCKING UNFAIR!

I Can't Always Play Your Fool

Well I was sitting, waiting, wishing
You believed in superstitions
Then maybe you'd see the signs

The Lord knows that this world is cruel
I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
Learning lovin' somebody don't make them love you

Must I always be waiting, waiting on you
Must I always be playing, playing your fool

I sang your songs, I danced your dance
I gave your friends all a chance
But putting up with them
Wasn't worth never having you

Maybe you've been through this before
But it's my first time so please ignore
The next few lines cause they're directed at you

I can't always be waiting, waiting on you
I can't always be playing, playing your fool

I keep playing your part
But it's not my scene
Want this plot to twist
I've had enough mystery
Keep building it up
Then shooting me down
But I'm already down

Just wait a minute
Just sitting, waiting
Just wait a minute
Just sitting, waiting

Well, if I was in your position
I'd put down all my ammunition
I'd wonder why'd it taken me so long

But Lord knows that I'm not you
And if I was, I wouldn't be so cruel
Cause waitin' on love aint so easy to do

Must I always be waiting, waiting on you
Must I always be playing, playing your fool

No, I can't I always be waiting, waiting on you
I can't always be playing, playing your fool

Jack Johnson - Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

I hate you

There is no fucking word on this earth that can say how much I want to talk to him.

There is no fucking word on this earth that canexplain why I want it

There is nothing that can fill my loneliness right now..

And the worst part is?

He seems fine.. is that what he left me for?

Is this the "I need to think"?

Is this the "I need some time alone"?

Is this the "I need to sort things out before I can do anything else"?

You dirty little lying bitch!

You should be happy I can't run into you cause I'll give you a good beat up!

You don't deserve all the time I think of you! You don't even deserve a minute!

You don't deserve the Worries I have about you!

All the wrong you did to me the past month.. already a month yeah..

I hate you for doing this to me.. and you seem fine..

Happily going on with your life..

I hate you

='[

Roses

My beautiful roses!!

Got a bit of a photograhper in my up (A)

Pictures!

My Parents gave me the most beautiful roses! For my perfomance in macbeth!
I LOVE roses =D I don't care if they're cliché.. Or that everybody loves roses..
I think they're beautiful!
Roses are ALWAYS beautiful =D

 

I only have Backstage foto's from Macbeth for now.. But I promiss other pictures will follow soon!

Bad Day

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carryin' on

Because you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Will you need a blue sky holiday?
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day


Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong
  

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride

Daniel Powter - Bad Day
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

He Wasn't The Boy I Fell In Love With

This lonelyness, this emptynes.. It's something I won't be able to fill for a long time..
I feel it already.. The missing part.

Having everything I want again, except for that part..

How I HATE this missing part! It used to drive me crazy, litterly crazy!

People say the Happy Single feeling will come in a few days or weeks again.

But I know me!

I know it won't!

HAPPY SINGLE DOES NOT EXCIST!

I miss him.. Not as "in love" anymore.. I can feel the "getting over him"-proces now. It's getting less, I'm letting him go. I'm more missing his personality.
And then not the shaggy tired bastard he was the last few weeks..
I mean the one who was my friend. Who could make me laugh. Who I could have a conversation about cookies with for a hour long!

The one who I could tell everything. The one it was so easy with to be around. The one that still wanted the best for me, and was interested in me, wanted to know me.
I miss that boy.. 

I wonder if he's okay. He wasn't doing well.. I noticed that.. I hope he's getting better.
He was so serious since internship. Always working, work work work.
It was all he could talk about.
Internship was where it went wrong. That's when he drasticly started to change.
And he probably didn't even notice.

A few months ago he said that his friend told him he'd changed. He wasn't the fun him anymore. He wasn't the goofy weird him anymore.
I knew his friend was right.. I just didn't tell him. Besides I didn't really notice as much as his friend did at that time.
But since Internship everything changed. I felt it in the first week, we changed.
No.. HE changed..
He wasn't the boy I fell in love with anymore for a long long time. And if he ever comes back, I don't know. But somehow I doubt it.
I was in love with a somebody that was no longer there. I was in love with a lie, a lie to me, I lied to myself.
Kept hoping that he'd come back. Maybe that's why I staid with him.

But my goofy boy isn't coming back.
My goofy boy is gone.
So there's no need to keep loving him, I'm in love with a memory.

There's no need to still want him, what I want is a memory.
The one I loved no longer excists.

I do wonder if he's okay. I'd like to ask him, how he is, but I just don't have the guts to talk to him.
Don't know how he'll react, don't know if he wants me to talk to him..
Maybe he just wants me to bogger off..

I do wonder if he's okay..
I still want the best for him.
I still care for him, in a different way, but I still do..

I wish I knew..
I wish I knew how he felt..
How he's dealing with this..

My body hurts like hell

At times like these with a very hurting body I miss having a boyfriend who could give wonderful massages..

...

"Je lichaam reageert op alles wat je doet. Zelfs als je een lachend gezicht opzet, merken je hersenen dat. Ze registreren dat je je lachspieren gebruikt, concluderen dat je vast blij moet zijn en maken stoffen aan die je gelukkig maken."

Dat is best wel geniaal..

Time To Move Away From This Game

Yesterday was my actinggroup (Including me) performing Macbeth..

And It was so incredibly much fun!

It was amazing! I laughed so much!

Preperations were never this relaxed and fun!

Though.. Rehearsals were crap, but that’s tradition ;)

I would have liked “him” sending me a text with goodluck or something..

I don’t know why, I just really would have appreciated it..

Not to have a little feeling that he still cares..

But just to know that he doesn’t hate me?

Or that he still wants good for me..

I don’t know why.. I just know that I really really would have liked that..

Would have made me very happy..

It was hard not to have him there, though he was supposed to if we didn’t break-up..

I thought about him a lot.. How much fun it would have been..

Or probably not, cause he’s just tired and shaggy all the time, so maybe it was only better he wasn’t there..

I was really happy that my friends boyfriends could come, that was really nice for them. So sweet.. One even brought flowers for her..

Got me a bit jealous though.. I want that to, I want arms around me to, I want someone to give me a kiss and tell me I did a great job, I want someone to take with me when we go out for a drink..

Their really different though, when I see them together, they’re still as much in love as they were in the beginning, and they’re together twice as long as I was with “him”..

With him it just got less, and less, and less.. Until I almost got nothing of his attention anymore..

I was just a picture on the wall that he looked at when he walked by..

They had so much attention for each other.. “He” was only like that in the beginning..

I’m starting to see that this really is the best way.. He wasn’t good for me, absolutely not..

Especially not in the end. I still don’t know why I loved him, or why I still love him..

I do know that I need, MUST, get over him, move on, find somebody who treats me how I should be.

This is the best way to go.. It’s time to leave him behind..

I gave him everything I had, I gave him my life, my soul, my mind, my body and my heart..

I lost the girl I was in trying to please him, keeping him happy, making him happy, keeping him with me..

I wasn’t me anymore, I couldn’t be me anymore, to scared of losing him I spend all my time trying to keep him..

But I lost.. I lost the game, now be a good loser and raise your chin and go on.

Leave this game behind, find a new game, start a new game.. And maybe I’ll win this time, or maybe I won’t..

At least I can say that I learned a very important lesson, and I will learn more..

At least I can see what’s important..

Time to move away from this game.. 

[Pictures of Macbeth will follow =D]

Happy News, Sad News, Jerky News and Terrible News..

Happy news Happy news! =D

Today's the day that A Dreamy Journal is 6 months old!
Hooray! Hooray!
*pretends to blow out a candle*
And I'm sure loads of months will follow!

Sad news..
I'm single again for a whole week now..
And I haven't liked it for a single minute..
And I'm more confused than I was in the beginning.. 

I don't like being single! I don't want to be alone!

I need the attention of a male..
I'm getting to much attention from female-friends..
I need a male.. That's it..
Attention from them is different..
I don't care what their intentions are I just want their attention!
It's not like they'll get me anyway...

Today I talked to this boy that was in my class aswell.. Just like "him".. 

We talked a lot in class, had fun.. And today he started talking to me on MSN, asked me if I broke up with "him".. 

I told him we broke up and he laughed..
He just laughed!

Said it was hilarious!
DAMN I FELT LIKE GIVING HIM A DAMN GOOD HIT IN THE FACE!

He expected us to break-up in the first place, and he already laughed at the idea of us together..

MADE ME WANNA HIT HIM MORE!

I loved "him".. Wasn't that important? For me it was..
It really hurt my feelings that he laughed about the fact we broke-up..
How can you laugh at that?
Aren't I hurt enough already?
How much a jerk can you be for laughing at a girl who just broke-up with a boy she loved with all her heart?

He ruined my day.. 

A whole week without him.. Without saying a single word to him.. Without hearing his voice.. Without seeing him..

It still hurts.. It does it really does..

It's so hard getting over him =[
I'm not liking this at all, not a single bit!

I don't want him out of my life, I don't want to lose him..
Everything in me is fighting against this..
But still I have to force myself to get over him..
I have to break me,
I have to break my own soul to get better..

But how do you break yourself?
Can you break yourself?
How can you hurt yourself to get better?
How can you lie to yourself to go on with your life?

How do you get over someone you still love..

How do you kill love..?

Jerk

Now call your Girlfried and apologize

You pushed her pretty far, away this time

She really loves you

You just don't always love yourself

Thanks for making me feel like shit for nothing..
I really apreciate it...

It'll Get Better In Time

It's been the longest winter without you

I didn't know where to turn to

See, somehow I can't forget you

After all that we've been through

Going, coming

Thought I heard a knock

Who's there? No one

Thinking that I deserved it

Now I realize that I really didn't know

If you didn't notice, you mean everything

Quickly I'm learning, to love again

All I know is, Imma be okay

Thought I couldnt live without you

It's gonna hurt when it heals too

It'll all get better in time

Even though I really love you

I'm gonna smile 'cause I deserve to

It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV

Without something there to remind me

It wasn't all that easy

To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming

Don't wanna laugh, hurt my feelings

But that's the path, I believe in

And I know that, time will heal it

If you didn't notice boy you mean everything

Quickly I'm learning, to love again

All I know is, I'm gon' be okay

Thought I couldn't live without you

It's gonna hurt when it heals too

It'll all get better in time

Even though I really love you

I'm gonna smile 'cause I deserve to

It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me )

It's time I let you go so I can be free

And live my life how it should be

No matter how hard it is, I'll be fine without you

Yes, I will

Thought I couldn't live without you

It's gonna hurt when it heals too

It'll all get better in time

Even though I really love you

I'm gonna smile 'cause I deserve to

It'll all get better in time

Thought I couldn't live without you

It's gonna hurt when it heals too

It'll all get better in time

Even though I really love you

I'm gonna smile 'cause I deserve to

It'll all get better in time

Leona Lewis - Better In Time

Driving

I just drove a real car for an hour and a half and it was SO cool o_O
And I totally kicked ASS at it o_O
I love driving..

No lies

I am not going to lie..

I miss him..

When something happens I feel like telling him..

I constantly feel like talking to him..

Just for fun

But I wouldn't even know what to say to him

There are a million things I could say to him, would like to ask him, would like to hear him say

But I won't hear them nor will I say them..

It doesn't hurt anymore to see his name pop up on my screen

It doesn't hurt anymore to see his name on my phone

It doesn't hurt anymore to talk about him, or think of him

But why is it that I can't get him out of my head?!

Why can't I just let him go?!

Why is it that even though he hurt me more then anybody ever did I still can't stop loving him?!

What is it with this boy that I just can't let him go?

What can he Give me that no other boy can give me?

Why do I love him so much in the first place?

How come, that I wanted to break up with him 3 weeks ago, but when he breaks up with me I'm devastated..

I had faith in us.. faith in him..

I thought it'll be alright..

Why didn't he talk to me.. it would have been so much easier to understand if we could have talked e everything out..

I was his girlfriend! And he never told me anything!

There was nothing he could have said that would make me leave him..

He never talked about his feelings.. Monday he told me what was bothering him Tuesday he broke up with me..

Why didn't he just talk to me :'(

I'm not saying I could have talked him of this decision. But this all would have been easier..

I'm scared.. and I don't know of what I'm just scared..

And I feel alone..

Though I have so many friends who are there for me, who support me..

My family being so nice to me, comforting me when I look sad or am silent..

And still I feel alone..

I have two me's..

My heart-me, the emotion me. She's so weak right now. Screaming to be comforted but nobody can. The emotion-me is holding on to him so tightly. Thinking that it will come alright. That I'll get him back. The emotion-me is crying all the time.

And then there is the brain-me. The one that knows what's good for me. She's really strong. Surprisingly strong!

She wants to move on. See new things. Do things. Wants to get back in the game!

It won't come alright. I've lost him. For good. I won't get him back and I HAVE to move on! I can't dwell in the past!

He doesn't love me anymore and that's that. End of story.

It's better this way.

The last 3 weeks I fell asleep crying.

Hes going down and was dragging me along with him.

He wasn't giving me back anything. No attention no interest.

I don't deserve that. I deserve better.

It's better this way

But as long as those to won't work together I'm not going anywhere. Nothing will change nothing will happen. Things won't get better.

I'm so confused..

I miss him.. so much..

I don't know what he wants and I don't know what he needs..

I don't know what his feelings about me were when we broke up.

I don't know how he thinks back on us.

I don't know what he wants.

If only he had just talked to me I'd be so less confused right now..

I don't know what I want and I don't know what I need.

This is what I was scared of when I started this relation.. losing a friend.

He was a friend before this and during this .

And now I've lost a friend. I've lost my heart..

I need to fix this but don't know how..

I miss him.. I wish we could just talk.

About nothing special! Just a casual conversation about nothing important..

I just miss my friend..

Goodbye My Almost Lover

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be

So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you would never
Ever forget these images
No

I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be

So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I'll bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life

Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be

So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do


A Fine Frenzy - Almost Lover

The Story Of A Break-Up

Break up's are hard..

I barely heard what he was saying..
I was to busy ignoring my shaking knees, the burning tears,
The urge to kiss him real hard to show him what he'll miss..
I wanted to shout at him
"No I dont understand! I don't want to understand! How can you be so selfish!"
But I didn't..
Why?
I just couldn't
I needed all my strenght not to break down in front of..
Why I didn't want to break down in front of him?
I don't know.. It was over anyway..
Maybe I didn't want to show him that I was weak without him?
That I am weak without him..
I gave him a hug and a kiss, and walked away..
The only thing I heard was "Really, I'm sorry.."
And from the moment I turned my back at him every single word he said the past 5 minutes kept repeating in my head..
I didn't understand.. I didn't..
Some tears escaped, and I heard some boys yell "Crybaby! What's up?!"
I ignored them and kept walking..
Chin up, strong strides..
Though tears were running over my cheecks, I had to keep walking..
People looking at me questioningly, had to keep walking..
I reached the tram-platform,
And there it grasped me..
He was gone, out of my life, probably forever..
Never I would get to hold him, get to kiss him, get to laugh with him, get to hit him when he made a stupid joke, get to be worried about him, crave him when he had that look on his face, butterflies when he smiled at me, soothing words when I was scared, Sweet words when I felt alone
Never I would get those things from him again
I started hyperventilating
I didn't want this, I didn't want this at all
I didn't want this to happen, I tried so desperatly to avoid this, and still it happened, all my work didn't do anything..
I thought about running to the platfrom he'd probably be standing at now.
But I couldn't move, I was nailed to the spot I was standing on, heavily breathing,
biting my lip, I won't allow the tears to come yet
Finally the tram came,
more people looking,
and I could have sworen I heard someone say "The girl looks sad, I feel sorry"
I was scare I bit my lip to hard and it would start bleeding,
But before I got to that point I could finally get of the tram..
I stept in the rain, but I didn't care..
I didn't care about the water soaking my skin..
I barely felt it..
It felt soothing to the pain that had striken me..
This pain tearing me apart..
This pain that was surely going to take my life in just a few hours..
I got on my bike, after dropping my keys 15 times..
I couldn't keep the tears, sobbing I cycled home
I forced myself to close the barn and the fence and stepped inside my warm home..
It was warm yes, but I didn't feel it, all I could think of was this gaping hole inside of me..
There were once was my heart,
was now a empty spot,
that what once was a heart beat,
was now a scream for comfort, for my heart, for my soul
a scream of pain
I couldn't turn to face my mum who was sitting inside on the couch..
I locked the door and stood there for a few seconds..
"What's wrong?" she asked..
And that's when I broke..
That's when I hystericly starting crying..
It felt like I died right on that spot..
I fell to the floor, crying
Couldn't sit, couldn't lay down..
Didn't want any clothes on, kept pulling on it
I felt like I was chocking
I couldn't drink
I couldn't talk
All I could do was cry
Hystericly
How long?
I don't really know..
When I was able to talk it we were a hour and a half further..
My brother cried, hurt because of my unejurable pain
My mum cried, her mother-heart bleeding that her daughter was so broken
My father cried, feeling so sorry for me, but not knowing what to do himself
I explained, told the story, let out my emotions
I took of my necklace.. HIS necklace..
It felt so heavy around my neck, I couldn't wear it anymore..
Every 5 seconds another hysterical sob..
23:00 was when I finally calmed down..
I came home at 21:20..

I slept like a baby that night..
But thinking over and over about thát moment..
Hearing everything he said, repeating in my head
"Can you understand? Please, understand.. I'm sorry, really"
Older moments, moments of us together,
First time we kissed, just laying on his bed, watching a movie, holding his hand, he's telling me something, walking through the mall, he lifted me up, he hugged me so tight, first time he said he loved me, first time we met

I stayed home the next day..
I was emotionless, I was a walking corps, I didn't eat, I didn't drink
I looked like shit, no light in my eyes,
My mouth was everything but what you could nearly call a smile,
Pale white skin
All I did was sit on the couch and watch tv..
I went to shower at 12:00
And I knew that was going to be the moment for my next breakdown..
And so yes it did..
30 minutes long, another hysterical sobbing session..
I would never see him again, I would never hang out at his place again,
I would never feel his arms around me again, he would never look pissed at me again when I said something wrong, I would never get to talk to him when something bothered me, I would never tell him again when something made me happy, I would never talk to him again about things I saw, I would never talk to him again but his plans, I would never talk to him again..
Though I did notice.. It was not the break-up itself that was bothing me.. It was more that all the things I was going to miss bothered me..
I accepted the fact that it would never be like it was again..
I accepted the fact that is was over..
We're over..
Still I couldn't bare be alone..
So I went to my grandparents, talked about everything..
And it cleared alot out for me too..

It still feels weird, but I've accepted it.
It's weird, that all the things we've planned won't be with him anymore..
It's weired that I'll never get to see him like that again..
I loved him at the moment we broke up,
and that makes it hard..
You can't just stop loving somebody..
I'm surprised about the fact that I accepted this all so fast,
But the hardes part is yet to come,
I have to get over him..

I'll never forget him, I know that
In my whole life, I know that I'll always remember these 5 months..
Those 5 months were special,
He was special, I'll never find someone like him again..
I'm not saying I won't ever find a new lover, cause I will..
I know that..
Happy Single is a term I've never known, and will never know
But nobody will be like him..
It'll be hard finding somebody fit for the job,
But I'm going to try..
I'm going to try my hardest to get over him
I have to..

I didn't throw away his necklace, I won't throw it away..
I'm happy that he said I could keep it.. Really happy..
Cause it symbolises a very happy time for me..
A very very happy time..
I've never been that happy as in the time I was with him
He gave me energy and strenght, and when I hold that necklace I can still feel that strenght..
It sounds weird but it does..
I'm going to keep the necklace..

I said I couldn't cry about it anymore because I had already cried out all my tears
I said I couldn't talk about anymore because I already talked about everything that there was to be said
But that's not true, I think there's still a load to come..
Still a load of pain to come..
The whole day I felt like talking to him
Telling him things, not even things that had to be important
I just wanted to talk to him
But I have to ignore that feeling
At some moment It will go away
At some point I'm going to have to be going get over him
Gone from the eye, gone from the heart

Besides,
Life will go on
Life always goes on

I'm at the brink of a new part of my life, and I'm facing it with a smile
I'm open for new things
I've learned, I want to use it
I can see the sun already through the breaking clouds
I'm going to be allright
I'm going to be okay

Upsy Daisy, And there I go
<3

Exhaustion

Damn.. Break ups are exhausting..
I could sleep anywhere right now..

The Chain

The sky looks pissed
The wind talks back
My bones are shifting in my skin
And you my love are gone

My room seems wrong
The bed won't fit
I cannot seem to operate
And you my love are gone

So glide away on soapy heels
And promise not to promise anymore
And if you come around again
Then I will take, then I will take the chain from off the door

I'll never say I'll never love
But I don't say a lot of things
And you my love are gone

Ingrid Michaelson - The Chain

Save Button

Gosh relationships are hard..

If this were a computergame I would have given up and started over for the millionth time by now..

No movie, or book, or magazine ever tells you about this..
About the constant feeling that your doing it wrong..

The constant feeling of uncertainty..

The constant feeling of losing the game..

I wish life had a save button.

So I could save it on the moments than nothing can go wrong,

and go back when I made a mistake.

I wish life had a easy,medium,hard rate..
So I could choose myself what I can handle.

I don't want to lose this game,

I don't want to need the save button.

Please, god, life, anybody,

help me not to lose the game..

Lose the game and I'll errace it..

I'll be erraced if I lose this game..

Oh, please don't let me lose this game..
Put my rate at the level I can handle..
Give me my save button,
Please don't let me lose this game..

I Should Be Happy With The Things I Have

These days I’m thinking about missing a lot..Doing it, but also thinking about why, and why I shouldn’t
Cause it’s taking over me, really..Even on the moment that I don’t have to it isLike a fear of what is to come

But I think I shouldn’t
I shouldn’t be sad that I can’t hold the one I want to hold right now
I shouldn’t be sad about the fact that I can’t just talk to the person I want to talk to right now
I shouldn’t be sad about those things.I should be happy that I miss those things
Cause I think it’s a good thing
It says that this feeling, it’s real
And I should be happy that I’ve got someone to hold
Someone to talk to
Someone to kiss..

I should embrace the memories I have of those things
I should feel happy every time I remember that
Because everyone can admit this
Feeling those butterflies feels much much better then that horrible dark feeling of missing somebody..So I think I’m more going to focus on what I have then what I miss

Seems like a good idea right? ;)